Warning- Not a funny post~ A Nightmare...

I don't often have bad dreams.

I have an over active imagination and I avoid scary movies and books for just that reason. My dreams reflect what I feed my head.
I did see a few clips of a horror movie from 1975 on a comedy program last night- but it seemed harmless enough.

I didn't give it a second thought~

Before going to bed...still somewhat grieving over the passsing of my
Grandfather, I journaled before going to sleep. I don't (and won't) usually post too much of what I write in my journal, but today it seems apprropriate.

July 23rd, 2006
(My thoughts on/during/after the funeral)

"I felt the full weight of how temporary we all are. How things/humans come and go.
People don't last.

My Mom finally broke down when she saw her Father in the coffin.
He was cold.

All I could think was:

One day I'll be cold-
As cold as a piece of meat from the fridge.

Joints and muscles stiffened-
Never to move again.

With my sight blackened,
My ears closed,
My mouth silenced.

~ A Corpse ~

Heart no longer beating-
Blood flow stopped-
Lungs still.

But his soul- his Spirit- Where was it now?
Not here...not anywhere that I can see-
Not anywhere that I can FEEL.

Sometimes I can feel LOVE when I walk into a room.
Sometimes I can feel passion from 100 miles away.
Sometimes my sisters and I dream similar things- and we feel the connection.

I couldn't feel my Grandfather.

I felt like I was blindly searching in an empty box-

My palms covered the vacant space, my fingers brushed into the corners.
I felt the coolness of the bottom of the box- but it was empty.

I watched the 2nd wife of my Grandfather approach the casket, and she began to sob.
She touched his coat with the palm of her hands. Her fingertips brushed his beard.
She leaned over the coffin to kiss his cold cheek, and she wept, because what she was longing for what was missing-

She could not find his warmth-
I could not find his Spirit.

Both of us searching-
in an empty box."

-CRB


Finally It was time to close my eyes.
I have to sleep on my side and I use 3 pillows, 1- under my head, 1- between my knees, and 1- I call my "Huggy-pillow". The huggy pillow helps support my shoulders, but it has become something of a security item...I know that's silly, but it is what it is.
I love that pillow and I almost never travel without it.

In the middle of the night I turned over and began re-adjusting all of my pillows.
Finally, the huggy pillow, I begin to draw up to my chest and face.
To my absolute horror I saw one of the biggest, vilest, most horrible spiders I had ever seen in such close proximity.
It was cold, and dark, soul-less... and right there on my favorite pillow.

I woke up screaming. It was 4 am.
I threw the pillow across the bed. I sat up, shaking my clothes and searching the sheets- on the one hand terrified that I would find it, and equally terrified that I wouldn't!


It took several minutes for me to realize that I had been dreaming.

I got up and went to the bathroom- double checked my hair and my PJ's... and found nothing. Got a drink of water, but couldn't shake the "willies" I felt.

I never did go back to sleep...I just couldn't. Even as the morning sun poured in through my windows I kept looking.

As the day has progressed I see how the dream reflects what I had written in my journal- but I didn't see it right away. If I had been asked yesterday, "Do you fear death?" I would have said no.

But the dream tells me something else.
I do have fears...and I'm more afraid of the unknown than I'd like to admit. And I am searching too.

And by this hour of the day...I am getting mighty tired! :)
No journaling for me tonight- unless I can write about something happy and soothing~

It might just be a good evening to spend reading "Now we are 6", by AA Milne:), or some
Robert Louis Stevenson "Poetry"...

Rotty- can you come over? lol!

I wish each of you a good nights rest :)