Monday, July 24, 2006

Warning- Not a funny post~ A Nightmare...

I don't often have bad dreams.

I have an over active imagination and I avoid scary movies and books for just that reason. My dreams reflect what I feed my head.
I did see a few clips of a horror movie from 1975 on a comedy program last night- but it seemed harmless enough.

I didn't give it a second thought~

Before going to bed...still somewhat grieving over the passsing of my
Grandfather, I journaled before going to sleep. I don't (and won't) usually post too much of what I write in my journal, but today it seems apprropriate.

July 23rd, 2006
(My thoughts on/during/after the funeral)

"I felt the full weight of how temporary we all are. How things/humans come and go.
People don't last.

My Mom finally broke down when she saw her Father in the coffin.
He was cold.

All I could think was:

One day I'll be cold-
As cold as a piece of meat from the fridge.

Joints and muscles stiffened-
Never to move again.

With my sight blackened,
My ears closed,
My mouth silenced.

~ A Corpse ~

Heart no longer beating-
Blood flow stopped-
Lungs still.

But his soul- his Spirit- Where was it now?
Not here...not anywhere that I can see-
Not anywhere that I can FEEL.

Sometimes I can feel LOVE when I walk into a room.
Sometimes I can feel passion from 100 miles away.
Sometimes my sisters and I dream similar things- and we feel the connection.

I couldn't feel my Grandfather.

I felt like I was blindly searching in an empty box-

My palms covered the vacant space, my fingers brushed into the corners.
I felt the coolness of the bottom of the box- but it was empty.

I watched the 2nd wife of my Grandfather approach the casket, and she began to sob.
She touched his coat with the palm of her hands. Her fingertips brushed his beard.
She leaned over the coffin to kiss his cold cheek, and she wept, because what she was longing for what was missing-

She could not find his warmth-
I could not find his Spirit.

Both of us searching-
in an empty box."


-CRB


Finally It was time to close my eyes.
I have to sleep on my side and I use 3 pillows, 1- under my head, 1- between my knees, and 1- I call my "Huggy-pillow". The huggy pillow helps support my shoulders, but it has become something of a security item...I know that's silly, but it is what it is.
I love that pillow and I almost never travel without it.

In the middle of the night I turned over and began re-adjusting all of my pillows.
Finally, the huggy pillow, I begin to draw up to my chest and face.
To my absolute horror I saw one of the biggest, vilest, most horrible spiders I had ever seen in such close proximity.
It was cold, and dark, soul-less... and right there on my favorite pillow.

I woke up screaming. It was 4 am.
I threw the pillow across the bed. I sat up, shaking my clothes and searching the sheets- on the one hand terrified that I would find it, and equally terrified that I wouldn't!


It took several minutes for me to realize that I had been dreaming.

I got up and went to the bathroom- double checked my hair and my PJ's... and found nothing. Got a drink of water, but couldn't shake the "willies" I felt.

I never did go back to sleep...I just couldn't. Even as the morning sun poured in through my windows I kept looking.

As the day has progressed I see how the dream reflects what I had written in my journal- but I didn't see it right away. If I had been asked yesterday, "Do you fear death?" I would have said no.

But the dream tells me something else.
I do have fears...and I'm more afraid of the unknown than I'd like to admit. And I am searching too.

And by this hour of the day...I am getting mighty tired! :)
No journaling for me tonight- unless I can write about something happy and soothing~

It might just be a good evening to spend reading "Now we are 6", by AA Milne:), or some
Robert Louis Stevenson "Poetry"...

Rotty- can you come over? lol!

I wish each of you a good nights rest :)

19 comments:

Grumpy Old Dude said...

Huggy Pillow huh?

I'd spray that thing with bug killer if I were you...course then it'd be all stinky- so much for that idea.

K9 said...

/bark bark bark

Im here. and you are too. yes you'll be cold someday but while you are warm live bold and fully. keep the spirit alive byhonoring what your grandfather was, and by being solid for your mom and others feeling the loss.

i saw the dalai lama on tv once, and he was fixing a watch. and he was super merry. the interviewer says "how can you be so light of heart when the chinese have just killed the monks and taken overr nepal and the monasteries" and the dalai smiled and said "im just passing through here. im in the world, but not of the world." and went back to watch repair, cheerful, calm and solid.

interesting to think about. i wish i coould be that serene but i am not. still, his comments stuck with me.

did you look up the archetype of spider? id be interested to know.

/grrrr

iamnot said...

Very compelling journal entry.
Sleep well.

ThursdayNext said...

Cora, your grandfather is everywhere to be found inside of you. You will never be cold, because your children and their children will always keep you warm in their hearts.

The box is empty, but your heart remains full. Focus on the heart and soul now, not the body.

Love, Amy

Lee said...

I take the view that dreams are just the brain doodling. That doesn't mean that they can't scare the stuffing out of your pillow. But I wouldn't put any more significance on them than that.

Gary said...

I don't see anything wrong with having a huggy pillow.

You might want to be a little careful about seenin even a few scenes of a horror movie.

Since most spiders are harmless, maybe that one in your dream was too. Just a thought. :)

schaumi said...

Cora,

Though his breath may be gone, Cora, your grandfather's spirit lives on in his loved ones, especially those who are gifted with the ability to write :).
I like spiders, although I might be startled by a huge one on top of my pillow. Think of the spider as a fellow creator. After all, spider woman in the Navajo legends taught the people how to weave. You are a weaver of stories.

Valerie - Riding Solo said...

I so hate those scary dream nights that you can't sleep again, even with the lights on and in a chair in the living room.

It's ok to be afraid. It's ok to be sad. Mysteries confound us now but are solved later.

The mate said once that he was always jealous of the dead because they knew what came next.

I am trying to learn to think of it in different terms now. Going home, transition, reconnecting, recharging the battery, heading for the love factory, anything but the sad, hard word we use, dead.

Done here, free at last, released, really skinny forever, future ghost, potential poltergeist, forever truely myself....positve phrases. Phrases that say we are only going on to somewhere different and more satisfying than here. Not words that make us think we are just Poof! gone forever.

I know the mate waits for me. I know the Dad is with him and my friend I lost Saturday is with her daughter she lost years ago. They are all with the Essence of Love and they all love us still.

Peace tonight, sweet dreams of love.

Mayden's Voyage said...

K9- I have always thought the Dali Lama was one of the most interesting people I've read about- and if I had a chance to meet him, I would. His words remind me of hymn from a very long time ago..."This world is not my own, I'm just a passing through- my treasures are laid up- somewhere beyond the blue..." Thanks for being here :) (And I replied to you at Lee's on his "more lies" post ;)

Iamnot- I suppose I'll never get to meet you, huh? lol! :) Thank you for being the kind of man/dad/husband you are.

Oh Amy- my heart is so full...thank you for saying that. The last few days it just brims over at the strangest times- I guess love is funny that way~

Lee- wise friend, you are of course right- I was very frightened...it felt so real. It's spooked me all day...but it was just a dream.

Gary- I hadn't thought of that- and it didn't bite me or try to harm me- it was just there. And I am just going to avoid scary movies all-togehter! :)

Schaumi- you made me cry! :)
Thank you- a weaver of stories is a very high compliment- and few people could tell one like Grandpa- really. Thank you~

Val- you of all people- having lost so much...I know you understand- and I take comfort in your words. Deep down my fear is that Grandpa is not in a place where I'll see him- and it's just foolish of me to worry. Me- a little on the control freak side...would you ever have guessed?
I want to see his name in a book- or a photo with his angel by his side- which would be my Grandmother! :) Yes, you are right- they are waiting for me. They must be...
I was just thinking of you today- I need to pop over and catch up...I will tomorrow :) Thanks for being here.

X. Dell said...

Over the next few weeks/months of the grieving process, many images will remind you of your grandfather. You might want to note if any of these associations begin to form some sort of pattern or recurrence. If the nightmare has meaning to you, then it has meaning. Explore it. After all, nightmares are sometimes the best dreams we can have.

luxlucisvita said...

just crying..over what you wrote about your grandfather...

crying and...thinking...deep...

Michelle said...

Cora, that was a very moving journal entry. I tend to agree with Lee's comment re the brain doodling. I have had some rather bizarre and scary ones over the years, thankfully none have come to fruition, neither will yours :o)

K9 said...

/bark bark bark

how did you rest last night? better i hope. im with you in spirit mayden.

/grr

K9 said...

/bark bark bark

forgot this mayden:

Native American symbolism sees the spider archetype as the keeper of the past and its connection to the future.

/grrr

puerileuwaite said...

I am sorry to learn of your Grandfather's passing.

Mayden's Voyage said...

X~ I think in general- I (personally) have to pay attention to things that frighten me...because it's not something that happens to me often. I just don't "scare" easy. But when I am afraid- or frightened- it's about something big. I sense that this death...and serious concerns about my mom's health are bringing things to the surface that I need to address. The issues are not easy...as you know. Sometimes my nightmares are "wake-up calls", no pun intended of course :)

Lux- Hugs to you...and Michelle too :)

K9- today is a much better day :) Thankf for the prowl (in spirit)around the house- I felt it! :)
However, the cats were a little spooked this morning- LOL...and I love the thought of the spider as the keeper of past - and connecting us to the future. Grandpa was 25% Native American- but no one knew from which tribe!

"P"- thank you- I'm just getting along here :)

firebird said...

Grandfather's spirit may be busy adjusting to all the sudden changes, while safe and nurtured on the other side. Sometimes this takes time... His spirit will be coming back for real to be with you and his loved ones, be patient and keep calling, searching, and listening for his presence. I know because my father, and more recently my mother, are more with me now, than when they were "alive" with us. And free and so much happier-- they want so much to share that happiness with us. Sometimes they leave little clues that they are still there in your life.
Death is a scary creepy thing if you just look at the body...I think that was the spider dream. But spiders are beautiful spiritual creatures if you look inside and speak to them with your thoughts like a friend. You don't have to be a big believer to do any of this, just believe a tiny bit--enough to try it.
Sent to you with love...

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