Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Scroll- Review- Delete?

It's so easy to hide these days.
Drop out, walk away, change the number, delete the email- the address- and the unwanted messages. The only finger prints left are the ones on your heart, and no one is dusting for those.

Grow up, out- grow your up bringing, wiggle out of a dead skin or super-moisturize the old one, but there is no re-incarnation of this particular flesh. One has to die first. One has to expire and let go. I use to think there was such a thing as second chances, but now I see we're just taken to another "on ramp" a little farther down the highway and let loose to run again...until yet another breather, or re-fill, is necessary.

I've wandered around in different time zones, written deep thoughts on strange horizions, and cursed the mundane of the local Food Lion. I'd rather go to Whole Foods, but is it because it's so much better (well, yes- it is better) or because it's out of the norm??? I don't know. Maybe I just like being around people who seem different from me...Gay, green, super educated, homeless? (just a rumination here)
My wings are clipped. For now. I accept it.

I tried being "out there", I tried hiding, I tried being what I thought he/she/they wanted me to be...I failed. Lol. In one of my journal entries I actually wrote, "The brutal truth of this situation is that I failed to BE ME."

Who am I anyway? Does it depend on who you ask? Or on what you know? Hmm~

Someone from my past called me today to tell me "I love you". Based on a long relationship, a long time ago, filled with letters, in-depth conversations, and heart-felt words. I've missed that kind of connection in my life, yet, I've had little time for it. My commitment to this person has changed, as has my heart about many things...and I'm unsure how to express that to my friend- who I also love very much. There is a great possibility for rejection once the truth is known. Saddly- I've avoided this person for that very reason.

There are standards set I can not reach. There are expectations I can not meet. Like many others I know- I feel like I've been asked to build the Ark with Lincoln Logs, or the great Pyramid with legos. I don't have everything I need to produce the expected end result, not that I haven't tried. Oh- yes...I've tried.

We all try. We all fail. We don't fail all the time, mind you, but this is what we all have in common- more often than not- where we connect is in our mistakes, in our losses, in our struggles.

I've hidden. I've dropped out. I've also been dropped- and it hurts. This year I don't have the painful distractions I had last year (and I am thankful), but nor do I have the drama that kept me from looking too closely at some of the deeper truths I uncovered- which can not be changed, undone, or deleted.

(Bone, if you find the application on the Blackberry which does that...let me know~)

Peace as I scroll through stuff. Lots of stuff...

Monday, March 23, 2009

Mayden Wondering,or Wandering...not sure which~

" I think people don't place a high enough value on how much they are nurtured by doing whatever it is that totally absorbs them."

-Jean Shinoda Bolen

What absorbs you?

I got a Blackberry over the weekend- I'm feeling a tad absorbed, and overwhelmed by it- LOL :)
The camera's not bad~ :)

Friday, March 06, 2009

A Tale of Winter Love~

After tomorrow, he'll be gone-
All will vanish except for his knowing smile and perhaps a trace amount of vegetation.
I've only seen him a few times, but he makes me feel happy inside. He puts a grin on my face and reminds me of joyful moments lived long, long ago.

His cool demeanor is just for show. A hug from him might seem stiff, or even frosty, but I assure you- he's the real deal. Not a heart of ice, but rather a heart made with laughter, giggles, and little angel hands which gave their all- including wishes to hear him say, "Salutations!" :)

I know it will be a long time before someone like him greets me again. I felt a twinge of sadness in knowing our parting will be soon, and for an extended period of time.
He's special, especially in these parts.

It's always a pleasure to see him...
but perhaps something of a pleasure to also see him go?