Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Another bit of Lit...Blue what?

I read this earlier in the year, it is a poem by Wallace Stevens.
I found it, the poem- not the man, in one of my old Lit books "Oxford Book of American Verse".

One section -of a rather long poem he wrote about a man named Crispin- stood out to me, especially the last line I typed below:

Crispin dwelt in the land and dwelling there
Slid from his continent by slow recess
To things within his actual eye, *alert
To the difficulty of rebellious thought
When the sky is blue. The blue infected will.

When I read this I got chill bumps! :)
I have had this illness...felt it coursing throug my bloodstream--induced by the unbearable beauty of a Carolina sky in the Spring, and in the Fall.

The illness came upon me many times in High school. I described it in my journal once as, "the magnetic pull of the earth on the Iron in my blood"...I simply had to go, to be outside, to play, to run...and sometimes drink beer and kiss cute boys :)
The cure, of course, was a "Skipping day", as I so affectionately called it.

Even now I sometimes find myself with this infection, but life is different today.
A mother can not just pick up and run; or she can, but will be called ugly names in the newspaper!

Ever have "A Blue Infected Will", friends?
Want to run off to the park and play on a swing set and the see-saw? Spin me on the Merry-Go-Round!!! Throw the fisbee! Lets take off our shoes and get wet in the river...


Perhaps I should just keep reading my old Lit books! LOL :) A blue infected will can get me into trouble, at least it did in High School :P

*[Note: the last 2 lines can possibly have 2 meanings. 1) Crispin finds it hard to be rebellious when the sky is blue, or 2) he knows rebellious thoughts can bring difficulty into his life, but the blue sky infects his will. #2 is how I interpreted the poem.]

Sunday, May 28, 2006

Reason, Season, or Lifetime...

People come into your life for
a Reason, a Season, or a Lifetime.

The lovely "Kate" at

wrote about this in early May and I have to say that before I read her post I had never thought of relationships being sorted out like that.

I suppose one reason is that if I make a friend, I have no intention of ever not being your friend. Perhaps though- if I analyzed new relationships as they were forming and picked a category for it I might not approach the relationship with the intensity that I usually do. However, this is part of my personality...to greet you warmly, make you feel welcomed, listen to you and ask questions...I am insanely curious! And equally friendly :)

Now those last 2 qualities help me connect to another person pretty quickly, and sometimes this is great, and other times it is not. Here are 2 good examples.

A few years ago my husband told me one of his co-workers from England was going to be in town and wanted to invite him to dinner at our house. To me there couldn't have been anything more irristible than to have guest from ENGLAND over for dinner! T spoke often of this man, "J", and he had been in a few of mine and T's conversations about things going on at work- so I already knew a little bit about him.
Anyway, I cooked and cleaned and made a very good dinner--a pot roast with lots of veggies slow cooked and plenty of gravy to go over those golden buttery potatoes! You would have thought the Queen was coming with the fuss I made over the house and the table and the food! LOL! Anyway, when J arrived there was no doubt that he was a special guest and I was honored to have him over for dinner.

Well, lucky me...because to this day J has turned out to be one of the most interesting and enjoyable persons I have ever met. It pains me to no end when he is in town and is unable to make it over to the house! We have to force our goodbyes when it is time for him to go! I am facsinated by his life in Europe, his views are broad and varied, he is a wonderful conversationalist, he is well read and well traveled, and is simply a person I never get tired of seeing or talking to.

Now, the other side...
I met a woman one year(don't want to be too specific), we were introduced through a friend at church. I was looking for help with something and a friend said she knew someone who could help me with my project. This lady "B" was having a difficult time and my friend thought B could use a friend/mentor (like me?). So I called B. I explained my situation and asked her if she could help...would she like to come over and have coffee, blah, blah, blah. Not the same situation as above, but I straightend up the house, made coffee and cookies...she came over. We discussed the project, she was interested, and then the bottom fell out!
Never in my life have I heard a more sorted and heartbreaking story...and it went on and on and on! I was stunned, and the longer I listened, the worse it got. Well, she had me hook, line and sinker...and for the next 6 months she nearly drained the life out of me! I can not tell you how glad I was to see that project come to an end, and see her walk out of my life. She called me nearly everyday, left message after message...It got to where I wouldn't answer the phone, and dreaded checking the answering machine.
See where my personality got me on that one???

After Kates blog I realized that I approach all my relationships as if they were "Lifetime". And then I fret (dreadfully so) when I drop the ball with a friend in "Meatspace" as X so delicately calls it! LOL :) [I like to call it my "Tangible life", but you get the point!] I can not be a Lifetime friend to everyone, but I try desperately...Why?

I'm not really sure why, but I can see that if I plan to live another 40 or 50 years I need to re-evaluate my expectations...not to change how I approach people, but to understand that the encounter will probably only last a season...and that is not a bad thing. Enjoy the season and enjoy the friend, and don't weep when the season is over--another one is coming! :)

Thursday, May 25, 2006

15 Questions...And pics to make it interesting :)

Everyone does these goofy things, and I usually enjoy reading them, but they can get dry. So...I am going to try to spice it up a bit with answers and photos...we'll see if it ever gets posted!

15 Questions
(copied from iamnot's blog http://mothandflame.blogspot.com)

1. If you knew for sure that you could commit murder and are guaranteed not to get caught, would you do it?

Only with Divine guidance, Divine ability, and Divine permission.

2. Name the situation in which you felt most betrayed.

Someone who should have been my protector, abandoned me for a while...it took a very long time for me to get over that.

3. Where and/or when were you happiest?

Being 5 years old was the absolute high point of my life (not that it's been all downhill since then!) I kind of hope that when I die and find myself in heaven, that I will actually be 5 again and forever.

4. Name a hidden talent you possess that would surprise others if they learned of it.

Actually, I can tie the stem of a cherry in knot...with my tongue! LOL!

5. What do you think is your most striking or attractive feature? What would others point out as your most striking or attractive feature?

My elbow is really quite beautiful... LOL!

6. Is there something in your past that you are so ashamed of that you would never tell a soul? (yes or no, no specifics unless you really, really want to go ahead and cleanse your soul).

No,...uh,...Yes,...well,...Maybe. I think most stuff is forgivable, but wouldn't want to see it on the evening news!

7. Who are you closest to? Who would you share secrets with and seek advice from, a family member, clergy or close friend?

A close friend and a sister, or my cow puppet "Loo the Moo" from High School! LOL!

8. If you were granted a wish giving you one earthly possession, what would it be?

A house of my choosing on a lake nearby with the taxes paid in full for the next 50 years or so.

9. Same as number 8 only a talent, what would it be?

Being able to heal other people, but in secret.

10. What person, living or dead, do you admire the most?
C.S.Lewis (dead), and My great Uncle Hubert (living)

11. If you could re-choose your career, would you change and if so to what?
I would be a College English Literature Professor.

12. Which is wiser to own if you could only have one pair of dress shoes, a black pair or brown?

13. If you were to compare the positive aspects of your personality to an animal or plant, what would you most be like? What about negative aspects?

Animal (positive) Hawk or eagle. Animal (negative) some kind of kritter that bites you in the dark.

14. If you could change one thing from your past, what would it be?

15. If you could change your sex or your sexual orientation, would you change (one, either or both)?

I love being a woman...always have and I always will.
However, as much as I love being a woman...
I wouldn't want to be married to one!

I just wish I was taller!

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

The Ageless Pendragon, by CS Lewis

Written by a master, copied without his permission...but full credit is given to Dr. Lewis for this powerful bit of literature! Moved me almost to tears when I re-read it today... (However, I cry easy...)

[Taken from That Hideous Strength, the 3rd book in Lewis' Space Trilogy, chap 7 --I believe]

On a sofa before her, with one foot bandaged as if he had a wound, lay what appeared to be a boy, twenty years old.
On one of the long window sills a tame jackdaw was walking up and down. THe light of the fire with its weak reflection, and the light of the sun with its stronger reflection, contended on the ceiling. But all the light in the room seemed to run towards the gold hair and the gold beard of the wounded man.

Of course he was not a boy--how could she have thought so? The fresh skin on his forehead and cheeks and, above all, on his hands, had suggested the idea. But no boy could have so full a beard. And no boy could be so strong. She had expected to see an invalid. Now it was manifest that the grip of those hands would be inescapable, and imagination suggested that those arms and shoulders could support the whole house. Miss Ironwood at her side struck her as a little old woman, shrivelled and pale--a thing you could have blown away.

The sofa was placed on a kind of dais divided from the rest of the room by a step. She had an impression of massed hangings of blue--later, she saw that that it was only a screen behind the man, so that the effect was that of throne room. She would have called it silly if, instead of seeing it, she had been told of it by another. Through the window she saw no trees nor hills nor shapes of other houses; only the level floor of mist, as if this man were perched in a blue tower overlooking the world.

Pain came and went in his face: sudden jabs of sickening and burning pain. But as lightening goes through the darkness and the darkness closes up again and shows no trace, so the tranquility of this countenance swalled up each shock of torture. How could she have thought him young? Or old either? It came over her, with a senstaion of quick fear, that this face showed no age at all. She had (or so she had believed) disliked bearded faces except for old men with white hair. But that was because she had long since forgotten the imagined Arthur of her childhood--and the imagined Solomon too. Solomon--for the first time in many years the bright solar blend of king and lover and magician which hangs about that name stole back upon her mind. For the first time in all those years she tasted the word KING itself with all linked associations of battle, marriage, priesthood, mercy, and power. At that moment, as her eyes first rested on his face, Jane forgot who she was, and where, and her faint grudge against Grace Ironwood, and her more obscure grudge against Mark, and her childhood and her fathers house. It was, of course, only for a flash. Next moment she was once more the ordinary school Jane, flushed and confused to find that she had been staring rudely (at least she hoped that rudeness would be the main impression produced) at a total stranger. But her world was unmade; and she knew that. Anything might happen now.

"Tasted the word KING itself", my goodness folks...if that bit of a sentence doesn't do something for you, nothing will! I LOVE that figure of speech...tasted a word. It makes me want to jump up and down and run up the street yelling..."Have you ever TASTED a word before??? I have! I have!"

Yeah, I get a litte mushy over stuff like that. Words, and sunsets, and flowers, and clouds...and friends.

I have several friends who are not well or are struggling at the moment.

I dedicate this post to my friends who are suffering right now...I am thinking of you, and praying for you.

Monday, May 22, 2006

This blog was brought to you by the letter "L"

My friend Sean,
(fellow blogger, just home from Iraq, never met...but seems to be one heck of a nice guy. GO READ HIS BLOG! http://macme.blogspot.com)
was tagged last week and given a letter. He had to come up with 10 words starting with that letter and tell what each word meant to him. (This is supposed to be a tool for getting to know someone better.) He offered to give a letter to anyone who wanted to play along. I asked, and got the letter "L". Which I thought was pretty nice because he could have given me the letter V or X or something! LOL!

1. "Love In A Letter": Was the name of a letter writing ministry I started about 2 years ago. A group of us would write to anyone we were thinking about and or praying for.

2. Lilly: The Easter Lilly is my favorite flower. I have them planted in my front yard and this year I think I will have close to 100 blooms! They flower the week of my birthday, or the week after. (end of May to early June)

3. Leigh: My daughters middle name, as well as one of my sisters.

4. Lion: Aslan to be specific. I have loved him for a very long time.

5. Luminescent: "emiting light not caused by heat" I love that word. I love moonlight...I want to BE luminescent, to shed light more through my words and less through my heated actions! Silly huh? :P

6. Literature: English specifically. I could spend my whole life reading the stuff and never get tired of it.

7. Listening: I am a good listener, but I could be better and strive to be so.

8. Laughter: Nothing I love more than goofy outrageous laughter...my best friend Chris makes me laugh like no-one I know. My sides hurt for 2 days after we spend an evening togheter--from laughing almost the whole time!

9. Lewis: As in "C. S. Lewis"--his books have had a profound impact on my life.

10. Liquorious: New word I made up...see the "CFH" post :)

Ok...so now it's your turn. If you want to play leave me a reply and I will pick a letter for you, or you can send me an email :)

Hope you each have a great day! :)

Saturday, May 20, 2006

"CFH" Campers From Hell

We are home a bit early...here's why :(

We are Campers, Sweet and Good,
And act the way we know we should.
Pick up our trash, don't make a mess,
Lights out by 10--so all can rest.

But who should settle next to us?
Campers who were WILD and NUTS.
The night was full of their liquorious glee, (new word!)

The rains fell sometime after 4,
And by 6 am I could take no more.
My body stiff, damp was the air--
I didn't even bother to brush my hair! (gasp!)

I arose with a bladder about to burst,
Must travel to the BATH HOUSE FIRST!
Ill from a night of almost no sleep,
The Spouse and I did not speak.

Another night we could not endure,
Camping, for me, has lost it's allure.
Tonight I will sleep snug in my bed--
And dream the drunk Campers are somewhere DEAD!

Truly, it was not a night to remember.

But the pics turned out good...

Camping spot, Tent and dining tent

The lake is in the background...
We were very high up.

Do you think my stuff being PINK
is a sign that maybe I'm not really
cut out for camping??? LOL!

Hey! A Turtle! He was very nice, and QUIET!

The view directly
above the campsite

Half of me...

Thursday, May 18, 2006


Early Friday morning we leave to go camping for the weekend...
I am trying not to think of the things I will do without, but focus on the things I will be able to enjoy.

Thunder Storms (isolated) upclose and personal.
Running water within walking distance.
A great view--outside of the tent.
Walking in the woods (Do I have an "Off" bug spray???).
Being with my family with no possibility of "Media" intervention (PS2, TV, Gameboy? I will bring mine!)
3 days away from my "machine". (that would be my computer folks)

I refused to give up the hair dryer...we will have electricity at the site, but if you think I am really going to take a shower in the "Bath house"...well, I might refuse that as well. The camp site is only 45 minutes from home! LOL!

Hey, I know! Why don't we just camp in the back yard?

Wait...why don't we just stay home?

I'll let you know how it goes...


Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Don't ask me why....

I was a moth in my dream...
One morning several weeks ago I woke up and I wrote this down.

"Moth View"

The sun rises, and I sleep.
Nestled on this tree, blended in so few can see,
I wait, I wait, I wait.

At high noon, I'm in the shade,
The birds and squirrels all play.
I hear them, and I wait.

At dusk the crickets chirp and cry,
The birds have settled-
Now a darkening sky. And I feel awake.

I reach and stretch- My wings ready,
Antennae feel, I hear the night,
The bats have already taken flight.

I leave my secluded, sheltered place.
I feel alive, the nights embrace--
My head clear...Until I see "It".

Suddenly my wings flutter,
My body shudders. I see it,
A golden orange flicker of light.

As if it were a drug,
My hearts only true love--
The heat, the passion, the draw,
Of the Flame.

All day in the coolness of the shade-
In the safety of my hiding place,
I forget the heat. I live each day without it.

I spend each sunlit hour in recovery,
Trying to mend the burned
And singed places.

And then the night falls, and I am called,
Drawn ever closer and closer.
A bond fire burns, the smoke fills my senses,
I fly with all my might to the source of heat and light.
A source, unlike the sun, that I can reach with ease!

Desire, Ecstasy, Agony!
Joy, Bliss, Burn!

The fire seems to consume the moth.
People laugh and say- "Why?"
Why did she fly so close?
Didn't she know?
Didn't she understand it could kill her?

At sunrise, I am barely alive.
The cold ashes of the morning cover me like a shroud for the dead.
The fire is no more. My wings are burned beyond repair.

The ground where I lay will become a grave,
And if I can not fly, to one day again reach the fire,
Then I may as well be dead.

As my senses fade,
I try to remember the Flame.
It was all that I loved,
All I ever desired...


Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Cold or Noble?

My daughter, JLB, had 2 plays at school today. Half of the class was in 1 play, the other half were in the 2nd.
On the way to school she was telling me about the story lines and who was playing which role. She was a giraffe, her friend was a hyena, another friend was a turtle, etc. The title of her play was "How did the hyena get his spots?"

The 2nd play was titled "Girls of the Round Table". This play, she explained, was about a bunch of girls who read a book about King Arthur and his knights. They decided that they could be like the knights by doing nice things and keeping the peace at their school.

JLB went on to describe how the girls learned all about "Shivery"...
At which point I said,
"What? Did you just say...shivery?"
JLB: "Yes, shivery"

Mom: "Honey, I think you mean the word...Chivalry. The Knights of the Round Table were known for their chivalry. They were thoughtful and respectful towards women in particular."

JBL: "Yeah, yeah, yeah...that's right! Chivalry!

Chivalry isn't dead after all, it's just cold! :)


Saturday, May 13, 2006

A Gorgeous Day

I am blessed to live in a beautiful part of the country, and today was one of those days that took my breath away...
We are a few hours from the ocean, and about the same distance from the mountains, but this little place in the middle has splendor all its own.

The weather was cool and warm all at once- with an abundance of sunshine and gentle breezes. The sky was brilliant and full of the most lovely clouds I have seen in a long time. It reminded me of South Africa.

(Sunset in Jo'burg, March 2005)

The sun was golden, the green in the trees and on the ground was stunning, and all along the way were flowers. Pink, and purple, white, and yellow...little glorious creations- perfect pieces of art on display everywhere I looked.

I went for a drive with the kids after a movie. I took a side road that had a house for sale on it somewhere down the way. It was a curving road, and as I came out of the bend the land opened up before me and I almost stopped breathing! The earth stretched out into a big grassy plain that sloped up gently, and then down, and further out towards Red Mountain, which should be called "green mountain" this time of year because it was full of towering and lovely trees. Overhead, the sky was a blue I can only describe as being the color of God's eyes. The huge white overstuffed clouds hung above everything...the sharp contrast between the blue and the white made the clouds seem so real, so close, so magnificient...Oh, friends. I thought I was going to cry...

The sight of the green, and the blue,and the white did something to me on the inside...I FELT it. Like something tiny in my gut had sprung to life and was growing rapidly.
It felt wonderful and painful, happy and sad, it felt like life and death, all at the same time. I had to remind myself to keep breathing...and kept saying to the kids..."Look! Would you just look at that! Have you ever seen anything so beautiful in your life?!!!" They oooed and awed for me, "Yes, Mom...it's really pretty." But I could tell they didn't feel it like I was feeling it!

I wonder how that could be? I wonder how I could see something as ordinary as earth and sky and be moved to tears, and yet the kids could see the same and feel so much less. What did I see that they missed, or what has touched me so much that my senses are hightened?

Whatever the case, whatever the reason I was moved so deeply- it is a day I will long remember. A day of astounding beauty full of life, and art, and wonder. A day to be outside and to walk in gratitude. A day to smile and revel in.
Today was simply a gorgeous day!

(My Mothers Day gift 2 years ago...a garden bench in a special place :) )

(A view from my deck)

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Communism and Islamism... and a Mall

If you haven't read this, take a moment and have a look. It is VERY important.


Now, on to why we have not turned Iraq into a big parking lot.

First of all, there is no big Mall planned for the Middle East...the only reason to make a big parking lot is if you are going to make a big Mall, right?

Ok, so lets plan a Mall already! Iraq is attached to the northeast border of Saudi Arabia...and we all know what a westernized country Saudi Arabia is. People in Saudi would shop in the Mall of America...uhhh, I mean Mall of the Middle East.
They love Victoria's Secret, and Nordstroms, and frankly they have more money to shop in those kind of places than I do!

The President says over and over again that our goal in Iraq is to stop Terrorist Cell groups and to bring Democracy to the region...and I say,
"A Mall would bring about both of these changes!"

The Muslim extremeists are not going to tollerate a fancy schmancy lingere store!!! They would come out in droves to fight that kind of moral perversion! We set a trap with some hot models in push-up bras and big angel wings (we could use dummies...but Hey, wait...they ARE all dummies, and/or plastic to boot, but I digress) and then we just wait for an ambush.

The Marines will have dug a big trench around the beautiful dummies, 20 feet deep or so. The Army guys will have created some camouflauged kind of floor for the extremeists to run up to, only to have it give-way to the trench below.
And, once the Muslims fall in, the Air Force can air lift the dummies out so Jack Bauer can lob a few bombs into the trench before letting all of the armed forces use whatever methods they see fit to bring an end to the REAL perversion in the world.

Now wait...you want to ask me how communism fits into all of this, right?
I mean, it is in the title...

Ok. The reason we don't have plans to turn Iraq into a Mall and a parking lot is because Americans do not understand the danger, the very REAL and PRESENT danger of Islamism. It is not a religion as much as it is a mindset and a way to control people. Exactly like Communism, only different.

I was 10 years old when Ronald Regan became the President. I read Animal Farm when I was 11 or 12 (again with my 12 year old last year), and I knew all about the Cold War. I read 1984 when I was 16, as well as Brave New World. I knew how many people Hitler had killed, and why he killed...All under the black veil(burqa?) of Communism.

Communism was a foe we, collectively as a country, could agree to take a swing at. It was evil, anyone with half a brain in their head could see that; but we do not all see eye to eye about Islam.

Islam is something most of us do not understand. How many books are there on the subject? I read "Unveiling Islam" a few years ago and the revelations in that book are startling...ALL AMERICANS SHOULD READ IT!

President Bush has the power, and authority, and the troops already in place to bring Democracy to Iraq. In the form of a Mall, or in the form of a solid and thorough a**-kicking that will bring the infrastructure and leadership of that region to its knees, or better still--into its grave! But, until he has the support from the American people to do so...we will hang in this cycle.
A cycle of little battles with terrible men, peace keeping rituals that do not further our mission there, and then insurgents with IEDs which lead us back to little battles with terrible men.

A nice big air-conditioned Mall with a Chick-fil-A, a merry-go-round, and some neat places to shop sounds soooo much better, doesn't it?

Stop thinking of Islam as religion, and start thinking about it as a way to do business and a way to elminate your opponents. Think of it as a MONOPOLY.

One group that controlls everything...
Just like Communism.

Scarry huh? We should be scared.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Excuse me while I have a party!!!

I FINALLY figured out how to post a pic with my profile...
but I had to edit the poop out of the pic to get it to fit!
"Big hair...that's the problem, it's ALWAYS been my problem! LOL!

Friday, May 05, 2006

Happy Birthday Robin....BLAH!!!! :)

My sweet sister had a birthday yesterday...and she called me to tell me
that she and Mom were going out for a lunch celebration, and asked me if I wanted
to come along!
Love to!
So, as typical for me, I show up about 15 minutes late, and they, knowing me, are seated and getting ready to order :)
My adorable nephews are there, J is 4yrs , and A is 16 months old. I swear these are 2 of the cutest kids ever...really. J will talk your head off, and A just wants to love on you...
A is sleepy from having missed his nap, and J does not quite seem right, but he is chatting to us and saying,
"Scooze me, Mom...I see see something you don't know about!" :)

There are things hanging on the walls, things like snowshoes, and skis, and maps, and all kinds of strange things to look at, only most people don't look...but a 4 yr old definitely does!

Anyway...Robin goes to fix a plate at the salad bar, and A decides he needs to hold his drink cup, the kind with a pop-on lid and a straw. He is across the table from me and I don't realize what he is doing until it's too late. Yes...12 oz of sweet tea goes everywhere--all over the floor, a complete mess, well, not complete, but that is coming soon...
The waitress assures us that this is not a problem and not to worry, but Robin feels bad for the mess! The boys start to eat, well, mostly J just looks at his fruit--he is not hungry, and A adds whatever bits he can to the tea puddle on the floor.

J and I discuss the skis on the wall, and some netting, and some other things that are wildly interesting to him. I, being the good Aunt Nonna that I am, try to trick him into eating his pears...by telling him that I am going to gobble them up if he does not. I put a small bite on the fork...I open my mouth wide...he opens his mouth, and my arm has this terrible struggle going back and forth between his mouth and mine...and it is just amazing that EVERY time the fork goes near him, he chomps down on that fruit and poor Aunt Nonna never gets a single bite!!! (LOL!)

Robin goes back to the salad bar for some pudding. A has no drink in sight, so all is safe on that front. Mom and I talk about my youngest brother and how he is doing in school...Robin returns to the table.

J jumps down, runs over to his mom and shouts, "Mom, I'm gonna throw up!"
Robin's eyes get as big dinner plates, trying not to shout...

"Now??? You feel sick now? Run to the bathroom!"
Poor J, he had no idea where that was...but starts running for the front of the restaurant. He makes it about 15 steps, and BLAH!!!!
The poor thing tosses everything!!! Everyone in that section stops talking, Robin is apologizing, the waitress is running towards us...people are moving out of the way...it was awful!!! :(

Finally, J's episode is over, Robin says, "We have got to go!" I scoop up the baby from his high chair, grab the bags, and we head for Robin's car.
Once in the parking lot, J says, "Where are we going?"
Robin says, "Honey, you just threw up in the restaurant and we have to go home."
J looks at her with those big blue eyes and says, "Oh Mommy...I am sorry I ruined your birthday party!"

OH MY! What a sweet kid! Not a birthday my sister will want to repeat I am sure, but her gifts, like mine, are in our children...good, sweet, kind hearted, interesting little people...who could never ruin our birthdays, even if they do throw up at our party!

Happy Birthday Robin! I will take you out for sushi next week, but the boys have to stay with the baby sitter!
love you!

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

One of those days...

I'm not sad...not depressed...just out of sorts.
Ever have one of those days? Of course you have...we all do.

Days when what you've been doing doesn't ever seem like it's enough?

The people you love dissapoint you, or overlook you? And you try not to notice...pretend it doesn't matter...but it does.

Do you ever want to skip over the closest private island and just veg...for weeks at a time? (never done it, so I don't know whether or not I'd actually like it...but I'd be willing to give it a try!)

Ever want to cry, for no good reason, and then feel stupid about it?

Ever just want to climb up into the arms of someone bigger and stronger than you and admit that you aren't as brave or valiant or smart as you thought you were?

Ever feel all of these things and decide to chalk it up to being tired, but you know there is more to it than that?

In the 2 Towers in LOTR, the evil Wormtounge speaks to Eowyn and says,

"Oh, but you are alone. Who knows what you have spoken to the darkness, alone, in the bitter watches of the night, when all your life seems to shrink, the walls of your bower closing in about you, a hutch to trammel some wild thing in? So fair, yet so cold like a morning of pale Spring still clinging to Winter's chill."

And sometimes I hear that voice in my head late at night...wondering about the "wild thing" in me...and how I have clipped it's wings, and stored it away, perhaps hoping it would die, but it never does. "It weeps and it withers...and shivers with cold",

The frustration I feel with being able to only live ONE life. Laugh with me...you know what I mean...

When we were children, we wanted to be firemen, ballerinas, nurses, dancers,
GI Joes, and Barbies, and mommies, and daddies, and ride horses in the circus...and, and, and...

And all these years later, we stand in the middle of our choices, having no idea that they would lead us to this place. At times a place of joy, and sorrow, and good times and bad, but MOSTLY...SAMENESS. The way a river rushes past a boulder in the stream, everyday wearing it down, everyday taking the same course, and everyday shaping that massive rock into something smooth and curvy, something that looks nothing like it did originally.

So, it's been one of those days for me. Waiting, looking, working, cleaning, cooking, helping with school projects, picking up children, taking them to school and piano...looking at myself in the mirror and trying to figure out who I am.
Mom, wife, friend, sister, daughter, helper, encourager, doubter, reader, writer, believer, lost, found, curious...

How do all those things fit into the 2 small letters... ME?