Sunday, December 28, 2014

Comfort, Illness, and transparency

In my earliest memories of being sick as a child- my mom was always present, and ever providing comfort.   She held my hair while I hugged a trash can, brought a cool towel for my face and forehead, and poured a tiny glass full of ice and cola for me to take tiny sips from.  Her care was equally diligent for a bad cold, or a an injured limb- she was present and she was helpful.

This week I suffered from a terrible bout of food poisoning.  It was most likely the norovirus, which has a quick and violent beginning, and leaves the the body weak and drained.   Re-hydration is tricky because you don't want to do ANYTHING to trigger the retching again.  Mom's advice about tiny sips echoed through my head multiple times.  It was good advice then, and it is good advice now.

Aside from the unfortunate realtor who came by to show the house I am living in (while I was on all fours in the bathroom over a rug thinking I would cough up my liver)- I battled this illness alone.   No husband hiding on the other side of the bathroom kids asking me if I wanted tea.
No Mom to hold my hair, or reassure me I would survive, or laugh at me when I said out loud "At least the Ebola patients get to die after a few days!"
But, she was there in spirit.
For several hours I was praying I could join her in heaven, but it all passed (no pun intended!), and I came out of the ordeal several pounds lighter and had a new appreciation for suffering alone.  In one way it was a relief no one was around.  I was a disaster.  In another way it was be in pain, unafraid, but helpless and kind of seeing myself in a pure form- because no one else was there- I didn't have to be concerned with their reaction to my misery.  
I suppose we have all tried to put up a good front for people we don't want to worry with our pain (unless you are a man- and then nevermind.  I have never met a man who wasn't a complete and total baby when he was sick!)
Anyway, back to mom.   I think she was probably the last person with whom I was totally transparent.   The only person I have ever trusted enough with all of me not to run away shuddering at what was inside.  

I want that again.   Obviously I can't have my mom back, but I do wonder if there is another soul on the planet I can fully trust with my heart, and my guts, and my thoughts.  I hope so.
However, even then...I don't want them too close if I get food poisoning again.  
Some things are simply better left unseen, unheard, and unknown.


Blast from the past

I probably shouldn't post this again, but it seemed to be a fitting way to end this year- with a joke :)
 (This video is at least 6 or 7 years old!)
Next year is a new ball game, and I am in it to play and play hard!
And I'll try to come up with a better joke :)

Thursday, May 29, 2014

Reasons or Results?

I'm tired of all the reasons, which is why I don't have the results I want.  Need.  REQUIRE!
Time to compile my first book...
Past time.
Last night I went to a writers conference, and several of the members I had met over a year ago and they were "planning, thinking, chewing on, dancing around"...writing their books.  Those people are published now.

I am published in multiple forums and in Europe.  Not all writers need to write a book, but my mom definitely expected me to publish one.  Actually, I think she expected me to publish many books.  One of the ladies I met, Lee, has always reminded me of my mom.  Last night, with all the beauty and kindness of her spirit- she pulled me aside and said, "Cora- where is your book?"
I bit my lip a tad because for a split second it wasn't Lee who was asking me...
It was MOM who was asking.

In truth, the book is already written.  I just have to put it together/edit/and publish it.  I will self publish- it's definitely the way to go in the beginning.  I'm not a new author (lol...getting a bit too old to be new at much of anything these days! :), but a new "book author" is within sight.

It's funny- someone reminded me of the first paper I ever wrote in Creative Writing when I was 8. I wrote about Aliens and meeting one, and how nice they were (though they were very different), and it was such a happy little story.  My teacher was very surprised.  I didn't know why.  Now, as I think of the 8 yr old little girls I know- it would surprise me a little to discover one was writing a genre which mostly consisted of older male writers.  This was back in 1977.   (Carl Sagan did not have much influence in my life, but maybe more than I realized?)

Anyway...the TIME IS WRITE-
and I am expecting better than reasonable results :)

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Eyebrows are awesome...

The things we take for granted are various and many.  Especially here in the United States of America.
Clean water comes on every time I turn on the faucet.  The electricity here is operational 99.9% of the time, unless we've just had a hurricane or a natural disaster.  In fact, the times we have been without electric current I have worried we are TOO dependent on lights and refrigeration.  My parents remember when electricity and televisions came into being.  My kids can scarcely imagine a time without computers, much less running water and 500 channels of nothing to watch.
But I digress-
Many of us recall a time of cheap gas and big cars, and (oddly) a refill of coke would cost you an extra .50 cents.  Houses were cheap, hospitals were a place to die, and only women of a certain means were able to get their hair dyed, nails done, and eyebrows plucked to look like Ava Gardner.
She was gloriously amazing... (and from about 60 miles from where I live!)
These days things have changed.
Probably to our demise and undoing.
Of all the modern conveniences- including the ice maker, microwave, and awesomely comfy bed warmers (I do mean the electric kind- kudos Ande :)-, not the iron pot full of hot coals one would drag across the sheets!), one glorious, yet terrible, product has made it's way into the homes of millions of Americans.
Waxing kits.
Yes...I mean waxing kits, the kind of thing which should be left to professionals at all costs, and never EVER used on eyebrows.

The Moon tonight

I sat outside alone tonight-
Letting the moon pour over me...
I realized the Moon- He is a MAN
And love is all He seeks.

He reflects the light of a golden sun,
A lover always just beyond his touch-
And how are you and I so different?
Longing for the perfect "such and such"?

The smell, the feel, the leather glove,
Made for you- and you alone.
The touch, the way- the perfect fit-
Like muscle around it's bone.

The man in the MOON was smiling-
He's in love with the "girl in the world"-
But I'm a fool to think it's me-
An aging- simple girl...

And yet, I felt his love come down,
and cover me in light-
He whispered- unabashedly,
That "I" was his delight-

"Few take the time to revel in me",
He said, without remorse,
But those who do- and find the truth,
Will find an altered course!

And so- I sit here tonight-
Touched by a wild full moon.
And I wonder- is he a lover I can trust?
Or not?

Thinking of Ande, Sean, Brian, Foamy, Ted (wherever you are!), NYD, and the rest of my beloved bloggers in this space.   I so miss you.
or- you are free to text me at 919.903.4188- seriously- all my phone stuff is free :)  I'd love to hear from you ♥ 

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Idiots and heroes...all on the same icy road.

First of all I live in, and love, the South.
People from here, in general, are good natured, easy going, and are willing to jump in and help out in a crisis. Forget the stereotypes, though I admit they have their place in the world, people FROM the South are often kindhearted, thoughtful, and well intentioned.  Yes, we have our share of greedy dumbasses, but for the most part, we embrace people from all walks of life and consider the needs of others above ourselves.
Today, on my way home in the snow storm, I had to pause to reconsider my roots, my kindness, my manners, and my ability to deal with idiots.  If I'd had my Bersa 380 with me all bets would have been off.  I have never seen such an astounding group of ill prepared, STUPID, and inconsiderate people in my entire life.  I can only assume they are transplants from the North or the West Coast.  Yes, Yankees, or damn foreigners!   No one born and raised in this neck of the woods could be so incompetent.   However, I do admit a snow storm of this intensity is enough to make anyone a little stupid- it was/is really bad.
My dad, who is from Indiana- always told me, "Snow is fine to drive in, but ice is another story."   From him I took my cues when it came to driving, and I've always felt that snow was "doable", but ice was something to be avoided at all costs.
Apparently some people can not find a way to drive on a wet road, much less one covered in snow. Triple their incompetence when it comes to ice.   When ice is involved- please alert the morgue- because you will have an influx of deserved visitors!  (at least I hope so)

My first clue trouble was ahead was when I drove down the empty street next to my office and saw a woman, near her home, stop her car in the middle of the street, to wipe her windshield with a scraper brush.  Yes...she was half a mile from home, and stopped- IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD, to clean off her windshield.  A little further down the street several people, whose cars were not in ditches or off the road in any way, had exited their vehicles- apparently, just to walk around in the snow.
The main roads, as you can imagine, were impossible to traverse.
My Google GPS took me a way home I had never been before...avoiding the congested streets and areas with reported accidents, it took me through the housing projects- where apparently people have no cars- and they simply congregated on the corners to see if anyone would break down.  It was kind of like Firefly having to coast through the really horrible part of deep space- and hoping they wouldn't be raped, cut up, bbq'd and then murdered for merely being in the wrong part of the solar system.   Obviously, I made it through unscathed.  Or at least I think so.

An hour out of my way, and surrounded by Asians and Indians in tiny cars, I found myself on a familiar road, yet mysteriously at a stand still. No one was moving, except for the tiny woman from India (who had abandoned her car and was walking) who wanted to talk to other motorists who were at a standstill.  She was very cute, and when I rolled down my window to listen to her, she kept insisting everyone up ahead was stuck.
I chose to believe her and turned around.
I sort of wondered if we were all headed into an internet sort of scheme- only a highway version.

I took the very road the police had warned us against.  A long, curvy, hilly sort of road that had not been plowed or treated in any way.   Of course, this road, while being free from any sort of city treatment, was also free of all idiots.  No one in a little car would brave this particular street.  Even Santa would have been wary of it.  I, on the other hand, was pretty sure I could manage it, and if I ended up in a ditch, at least no one would see it- or find me until I was properly dead.   Heaven forbid I be found in a ditch and not properly dead...I could not bear the embarrassment of all that!

In less than 10 minutes I was home.  A giant truck about 200 yards ahead of me had made a perfect path for my 4Runner to follow along in.  No idiots, no abandoned cars, just me and the beautiful snowy road was ahead of me.  No one ran into me, or scratched my truck, or rear-ended me.  It took over 3 hours to get home, but I avoided all the zombies on the road.
Wait, I meant...idiots.
They WERE just like Zombies.

I really should have had my gun with me.

Wednesday, January 01, 2014 myself?

"It is easier to do one's duty to others than to one's self.  If you do your duty to others, you are considered reliable. If you do your duty to yourself, you are considered selfish."
-Thomas Szasz 

What is a duty to yourself?  I understand (all to well) the duty I have to others- as a mom, daughter, wife, friend, and sibling, but when I think of being dutiful to me I wonder what that looks like.   Why don't I know exactly what it means?   Have I put myself at the end of the list for so long I can't imagine a life of simply caring for me, or to ask to have my needs met?

The other day I explained to a friend that I didn't want any more emotionally un-fulfilling relationships in my life, which includes work, home, and social relationships.  This also includes food, alcohol, music, TV, books...anything which can enter my body needs to be healthy and and enriching.  I am tired of the junk.  At times, I feel like junk.   (I should probably delete my fb page too!)
I don't believe in resolutions.  I do believe in re-evaluation.  I need to make, and have made, drastic cuts in people and habits which drain my resources, or weaken my body and spirit.  I want the power to say NO, and the wisdom to know when to give my all and say YES.   I will not abuse/numb my body because my spirit is suffering.  I will face the searing pain in my heart/spirit and let it rage on, pour out, be released, and try to heal as best I can.

I suppose that is a duty to myself.  A duty only I can manage.

Eating right, going for a walk every day, listening to uplifting music, making an attempt to be better organised...all these things build me up and make me a better version of me.  Versus my pretending to be well.  The facade can only hold up for so long.

So perhaps the best way to really understand what "duty to self" looks like I should start with what might look selfish to others.  Putting my needs first.  Thinking of myself as a person I love...hmmm.   Herein lies part of the problem.  It's so very easy to love others, and so much harder to love myself.   I mostly see my value and self worth reflected in the things I do for others. This makes it difficult to see the intrinsic value of myself.   I will have to reflect on the last sentence for a while.  It pains me to read it.

I need a shower, and to prepare for work tomorrow.  I'm going to use the new bath stuff I got for Christmas, and not keep it packed away for guests.  I'm going to enjoy and relax the time I have to myself for the next hour or so.  I'm going to turn on my music, make a cup of tea, and relish the rest of this new day in a new year.

Tomorrow I am getting my hair cut and highlighted and I am leaving work early.
Perhaps this idea of "duty to myself" will be easier to accomplish than I thought?