It's like being on vicodin and percocet without the stomach ache and nausea.
It makes me giddy when I stare at these things; and I feel like Alice in the Looking Glass, only without the strange cat and mad hatter, or the evil Queen.
I am Alice...asleep under a tree and having crazy dreams.
Last night I dreamt that I was being chased by the Mafia.
A bunch of mean and burly Italian men wanted to find me, hurt me, and then kill me.
(Forgive the stereotype- sorry!)
I was always evading capture, but just barely. People who were trying to help me were not very smart and kept getting caught- and killed. I heard them screaming- and all I could think was how dumb they were for running into trap after trap. And then I felt guilty for thinking they were stupid.
I was terrified- and couldn't get far enough away. The bad guys were always just around the corner...always within a few minutes of finding me. It was an awful dream. I kept wondering where my friends were...
I'm wondering who my friends are these days. (In meatspace I mean)
I'm close to my sisters, close to my family- but there limits on things I can say to them.
I have a dear friend of 25 years who knows me like the back of her hand- but our schedules are crazy...we barely connect once or twice a month.
Ahhh- the truth is trying to surface here. This is about a friend- who is missing from my life. I can't say more.
Have you been in this place? In a dark corner you've painted yourself into? Are you facing something ALONE, or have you in the past? About an illness, or an honest friendship that others would question or frown upon, an addiction no one knows about, a secret from your past, an unnatural fear or quirk that wakes you up at night? Are you taunted by an unkind voice that reminds you of all the times and ways you've failed in your life?
Did you think- "If I had such and such, or so and so...I would feel better."? It's not true you know...what you think you need to be happy is an idol.
Only I have the power to make ME happy...no one else can.
It's not depression, it's not a broken heart...but this is a LAMENT. A regret.
And not just in one area, but in many- in this perfect American life I lead.
I can't say all that I want to say...
Too many eyes, too many opinions, so few who would understand.
Even in my confession that I "can not say what I want to say"- I risk much.
"What do you mean?"
"Are you hurt?"
"Are you ill?"
"Have you sinned?"
I can't explain what I mean. Yes, I'm hurt. I might be sick. I sin often.
And yet from reading my beloved bloggers- I know I am not alone. Some of you who are "anonymous" have said more. Some of you who have revealed who you are to me- and oh- how I love you for it...have hid very little.
I have been honest with you too.
But I can tell you that your interaction here- your care- your thoughts matter a great deal to me. Thank you...
I'm weary of them, but...
I was thinking today that if it were possible- I would go to Iraq.
I've wanted to go for about 3 years now.
I want to help soldiers, women, and children.
I want to see for myself what is going on. I want to believe my President when he says that our presence there is making a positive difference for the Iraqi people, and that we are killing terrorists.
My friends on the ground over there tell me this is true. Friends who have friends over there- also tell me this is true.
The talking heads on the news- sitting in comfortable studios with perfect hair and make up tell me otherwise. Actually, it seems that most of the "Nay-sayers" are a safe distance from the Middle East.
I give more credit to my friends who are there, or have been there.
The "News" isn't the news anymore- it's a popularity contest, and frankly, it stinks. Politics stink too. My friends on the Left, and the ones on the Right, are not so very different from each other.
I don't have any radical friends- or not many- on either side of the fence. What always surprises me is how much we all have in common. Especially the women, the moms I know.
I hope my good health returns soon. I've noticed in the past that when I get bugged down with something and have trouble getting over it- that I'm doing too much. I should lay low and knit all weekend :) And read up on blogs I've missed, and return email- there are several letters I want and need to write~
I might also spend some time in that 3D art book I got for Christmas last year. It does make me giddy you know...
Take good care of yourselves- I send warm thoughts and love to many of you :)