Thursday, November 02, 2006

Images hidden in a picture, and stories hidden in a life~

(I've been taking care of my 2 and 4 yr old nephews this week- and continuing to battle a returning illness...I may actually have to break down and go see my Dr- ughhh...)

I love 3-D pictures. The ones that look like a mish-mash of colors and shapes, and once you look deep into the art, or look past it...something astounding emerges.

But your eyes have to be right. The light has to be good. And you have to WANT to understand- to see- to FALL into the art and let it consume your vision.

It's like being on vicodin and percocet without the stomach ache and nausea.
It makes me giddy when I stare at these things; and I feel like Alice in the Looking Glass, only without the strange cat and mad hatter, or the evil Queen.

I am Alice...asleep under a tree and having crazy dreams.

Last night I dreamt that I was being chased by the Mafia.
A bunch of mean and burly Italian men wanted to find me, hurt me, and then kill me.
(Forgive the stereotype- sorry!)

I was always evading capture, but just barely. People who were trying to help me were not very smart and kept getting caught- and killed. I heard them screaming- and all I could think was how dumb they were for running into trap after trap. And then I felt guilty for thinking they were stupid.

I was terrified- and couldn't get far enough away. The bad guys were always just around the corner...always within a few minutes of finding me. It was an awful dream. I kept wondering where my friends were...

I'm wondering who my friends are these days. (In meatspace I mean)

I'm close to my sisters, close to my family- but there limits on things I can say to them.

I have a dear friend of 25 years who knows me like the back of her hand- but our schedules are crazy...we barely connect once or twice a month.

Ahhh- the truth is trying to surface here. This is about a friend- who is missing from my life. I can't say more.

Have you been in this place? In a dark corner you've painted yourself into? Are you facing something ALONE, or have you in the past? About an illness, or an honest friendship that others would question or frown upon, an addiction no one knows about, a secret from your past, an unnatural fear or quirk that wakes you up at night? Are you taunted by an unkind voice that reminds you of all the times and ways you've failed in your life?

Did you think- "If I had such and such, or so and so...I would feel better."? It's not true you know...what you think you need to be happy is an idol.

Only I have the power to make ME one else can.

It's not depression, it's not a broken heart...but this is a LAMENT. A regret.
And not just in one area, but in many- in this perfect American life I lead.

I can't say all that I want to say...
Too many eyes, too many opinions, so few who would understand.

Even in my confession that I "can not say what I want to say"- I risk much.

"What do you mean?"
"Are you hurt?"
"Are you ill?"
"Have you sinned?"

I can't explain what I mean. Yes, I'm hurt. I might be sick. I sin often.

And yet from reading my beloved bloggers- I know I am not alone. Some of you who are "anonymous" have said more. Some of you who have revealed who you are to me- and oh- how I love you for it...have hid very little.
I have been honest with you too.


I wish I could say more. I will not.

But I can tell you that your interaction here- your care- your thoughts matter a great deal to me. Thank you...

I'm weary of them, but...

I was thinking today that if it were possible- I would go to Iraq.

I've wanted to go for about 3 years now.
I want to help soldiers, women, and children.

I want to see for myself what is going on. I want to believe my President when he says that our presence there is making a positive difference for the Iraqi people, and that we are killing terrorists.
My friends on the ground over there tell me this is true. Friends who have friends over there- also tell me this is true.

The talking heads on the news- sitting in comfortable studios with perfect hair and make up tell me otherwise. Actually, it seems that most of the "Nay-sayers" are a safe distance from the Middle East.

I give more credit to my friends who are there, or have been there.

The "News" isn't the news anymore- it's a popularity contest, and frankly, it stinks. Politics stink too. My friends on the Left, and the ones on the Right, are not so very different from each other.

I don't have any radical friends- or not many- on either side of the fence. What always surprises me is how much we all have in common. Especially the women, the moms I know.


I hope my good health returns soon. I've noticed in the past that when I get bugged down with something and have trouble getting over it- that I'm doing too much. I should lay low and knit all weekend :) And read up on blogs I've missed, and return email- there are several letters I want and need to write~

I might also spend some time in that 3D art book I got for Christmas last year. It does make me giddy you know...

Take good care of yourselves- I send warm thoughts and love to many of you :)

The last days of the Tomato garden along the side of my home~ A few tomatoes are still growing!

Me, obviously- October, in my office/craft room :)


K9 said...

/bark bark bark

i like the magic eye pix too. you have to sort of go all cross eyed to see them but when it materializes you can't not see the embedded image.

just like the spirit world. im not talking about ghosts. i am talking about what is known but impossible to prove or quantify.

looks like we are on the same track *sorta* with our thoughts today

politics grrrrrrrr! i agree with you and i found that while i was on a television ban recently my attitude was much much better and far more hopeful.

a popularity contest. perfectly stated.

get better and burn bright. you're knitting for me, right????


the pink reefer said...

thinking of you ... take care of yourself and get better.

i feel what you're saying ... your lament. i suppose i have been there, at times. the something you describe is usually oneself.

about politics - we are news junkies these past many weeks. here in canada, we rarely hear about iraq. we hear more about afghanistan, since we have troops there ... but its not an sensationalistic obsession, like iraq appears to be in the USA.

i amazed at the difference in media culture between canada and USA. it appears the american media thrives upon stirring the pot. in contrast, the canadian media seems more low key. also, what i think most people find disgusting is they manner in which the white house et al blatantly manipulate and sensationalize the media and its message.

i will think of you as i ride the greyhound ... as i read from my brand new jewish bible i will think of you ... and pray you find what you seek.

happy knitting dear mayden.


schaumi said...

mayden fair..

Gary said...

I wish I had some fresh tomatoes. That would really make my day. Or what is left of it, at least.

Hope you feel better soon.

Enemy of the Republic said...

I hope you are feeling better. I got hot over Kerry and blogged about it. I hadn't written about politics in ages, but that remark really bothered me. You and I think alike. If I were a nurse or someone with any medical training, I would volunteer in Iraq. Sounds nuts since I oppose the war, but I want to serve our men and women in uniform more than I already do (I write letters; I've sent care packages; I even have a link for anyone to write to a serviceperson) But I would go. I told my husband that he should reup and serve again, and he told me I was nuts--did I want him dead? No, but even if the war is stupid, our soldiers deserve experienced vets to return and fight alongside them. I guess I am an odd duck.

I know about the painted corner. I feel for you.

The picture is awesome.

Anonymous said...

Blog people are real people. I hate it when they disappear without an excuse. But then, when that's happened to me, I tell myself that I must not have been as important to them as they are to me. It's sad, but it's life.

Moving on.

iamnot said...

I'm too tired to respond properly tonight.
But I'm still here.

the pink reefer said...

hi mayden ... weather can be so anti-clamactic ... i'm here for a the weekend because of some dumb snow in the mts ...

when i entered nursing i told myself i wanted to do relief work, MSF-type work, work in war-torn countries. as it turned out, that line of work is not for me ... but i do have nothing but respect for anyone who does this type of work.

each time i read this post, i catch a deeper dimension.

you said, "Are you taunted by an unkind voice that reminds you of all the times and ways you've failed in your life?"

my dear ... look into the eyes of your children ... and that will remind you of all the ways in which you've soared in life. :^)

X. Dell said...

(1) Dreams are never politically corrrect. They embody our raw thoughts, including our own beliefs and stereotypes.

(2) I'm wondering if the Mafia dream doesn't have more to do with your current health. Many "attack" dreams are. I would urge a visit to the doctor, even though you don't want to go (I don't particularly like doctor visits either, so I understand).

(3) Sometimes what we don't want to hear (technically known as "disequilibration;" pop psychologists call it "cognitive dissonance") won't reach us, and when it does we have ways of filtering that information or dismissing that information so that it doesn't challenge our world view.

One of the voices conspicuously absent from media reports are those coming from Iraqis who have lost loved ones, or who have been injured in the political stability. As much as we might like to think that the US presence is having "a positive effect" in Iraq, I have serious doubts that most Iraqis would agree.

I've heard a stream of comments supportive of the war from its pre-planning stage to the present in mainstream media. That hasn't stopped, especially since much of it comes from the White House, which still influences press coverage. I have also heard many disparing remarks from soldiers returning from the war, from officers charged with its execution, and Iraqui sivilians. While many of the "nay-sayers" might be distant from the battle, many of them were in the thick of it. You might want to hear what they have to say as well. Furthermore, many of the pro-war hawks also offer armchair analysis from the comfort of their living rooms.

(4) Take care. Feel better soon.

Lady Lux said...

you know me...real...regrets...secrets..and all...

the pink reefer said...

came back to say ...

(1). i feared, at first, of disclosing too much to you ... hoping that i have not ... what i showed you, mayden - its real. just know that ...

(2). listen to your body. it never lies. it knows things you mind does not.


Mayden's Voyage said...

K9- beloved pooch- I am making one for you! :) The colors will match your fur beatifully!
(Shall I make a white one for Freya? I don't mind :)

Pink- I wish we could read that together over coffee one day :) I've written you a note- hope your travel plans are not ruined for long~ :)

Shaumi- I needed that :) xoxoxox to you too~ I hope we can meet for lunch one day before Christmas- if I can just get well enough to eat sushi! :)

Gary- Thank you :)

Lady Lux said...

It's Sunday 5:05 pm here..the Hubz and the boys just stepped out to play basketball in the community court...which leaves me time to pop this short note to you. I have so much to say coz' I was thinking of you since last night...till this am..just knowing that that certain gnawing lament is something akin to mine...probably...but there's something I did to break free...i believe it's beautiful and very deeply soulful...I'll share it with you...write it to you tomorrow after work..when 'm relaxed and alone...just wanted you to know that you're not alone in understanding...and I want you to smile's going to be beautiful okay..deep down

schaumi said...

i'm gonna email you as soon as i get over this headache here.....
i make great lentil soups and chicken soups mayden fair..

freya said...

ja maiden maaking for me a witte one? i will love it if you do. but is too much for asking ik denk. dank u lovely one.

Libby said...

mayden-self-doubts, no confidence, thoughts of 'what-if?' life!
on a different note...your dream sounds way like an 'x-story'!!
and, go to the least you know you won't have to have a prostate exam!!

the pink reefer said...

hello fair mayden;

hoping you are smiling on this fine sunday afternoon. i wonder could we have some tiny psychic connection? i feel some small nagging lament - like a hunger - in me these past couple days.

i did get your letter - a lovely one and it will take me a couple days to do it justice with a reply. bear with me ...

to meet you one day ... it ell myself it'll happen ... despite the fact that we are virtually at opposite ends of the continent!

please, dear, do take care of yourself. my plan is to leave tommorrow am. i'll think of you ... hugz to you ... :^B

firebird said...

My prayers and wishes are with you for healing of your body and heart--they go together always--
and I have found it is sometimes possible to share more with those who care about you than you would expect--it is part of expanding your soul into the world, the world must adapt to YOU! We women sometimes forget that...and it can lead to illness.

K9 said...

/bark bark bark

how ya feeling sunny??? gettin better grrrrrrrrl?
a warm rottie ruff and wag sent on the breeze right up 1-85 to ya.


Libby said...

cora-happy monday to ya!

Mayden's Voyage said...

EOR- there is nothing odd about you :) I can't think of anyone I'd rather stand alongside in the trenches! Did you happen to see the film "Obsessed" this weekend?
Just wondered what you thought of it- it scared me.

Anon...I know what you mean. It's worse I think when you begin to develop a friendship- and then they cut you hurts, alot more than I expected.

Iamnot- I know you are there- and I appreciate that about you :)

Pink- you are so right- and thank you for reminding me- the kids are truly a blessing- and everything that is right in my life is reflected in their eyes :)

X- it's always good to hear from you- I checked out the link you sent...not sure that I feel any better though :) Seriously, these are frightening times.
I believe Muslim terrorists are behind the 9-11 attacks.
I believe they want to kill us- all of us.
I believe the US must continue to fight- ALL OVER the middle east and here at home to defend our freedom and way of life.
Crooked deals, contract given incorrectly- a President who may have taken us into the wrong country...whatever. Radical Muslims will not stop until a Muslim flag hangs over the WHitehouse- or they are dead.
This is how it appears to me- sad.

Lux- you know friend- that I love you...thank you for being so dear to me-

Schaumi- I am so much better now :) I'll send you a note soon :)

Freya! So good to see you...I don't think it would be right for me to send a scarf to a beloved dog and not send one to "his beloved" too- so yes :) White it is- but is there another color you'd like to see added? Perhaps a light blue? I look forward to this :)

Pink- I value your words, thoughts and time...glad you felt safe here- and I will listen to my body- I promise :)

SJ said...

We all want a friend with whom we can talk about anything few get to be friends like that. Some people try imaginary friends, talking to God, talking to psychologists, blogging anonymously about it...

Sean said...

thanks for listening to what we have to say... this is a very frustrating time for me. i'm sick of people speaking "in the name of soldiers" without asking what we want and believe. one of the most annoying things i've seen lately is "support our troops, bring them home". granted, there are troops who were immature and didn't research their decision enough before enlisting, and there are some who don't want to be there, but a vast majority of us do, and believe we're doing good. so how is bringing us home supporting us? but when we point this out, obviously we must be "brainwashed".

thanks again.

boneman said...

Oh shoot!
And wouldn't ya know I posted a anti-dubya comment on the previous post...
Sort of.

I tend to see the ground nature of the event of Iraq.
How can we see this from here?
Well, first, think of a country we absolutely hate. Despise, intolerable differences abounding!
Then, imagine thwem coming over here and telling us how to form a new government, just like they have.

Now...what do YOU think would happen?
And, for extra points,,
who will the terrorists be, then?