Sunday, May 28, 2006

Reason, Season, or Lifetime...

People come into your life for
a Reason, a Season, or a Lifetime.

The lovely "Kate" at

wrote about this in early May and I have to say that before I read her post I had never thought of relationships being sorted out like that.

I suppose one reason is that if I make a friend, I have no intention of ever not being your friend. Perhaps though- if I analyzed new relationships as they were forming and picked a category for it I might not approach the relationship with the intensity that I usually do. However, this is part of my greet you warmly, make you feel welcomed, listen to you and ask questions...I am insanely curious! And equally friendly :)

Now those last 2 qualities help me connect to another person pretty quickly, and sometimes this is great, and other times it is not. Here are 2 good examples.

A few years ago my husband told me one of his co-workers from England was going to be in town and wanted to invite him to dinner at our house. To me there couldn't have been anything more irristible than to have guest from ENGLAND over for dinner! T spoke often of this man, "J", and he had been in a few of mine and T's conversations about things going on at work- so I already knew a little bit about him.
Anyway, I cooked and cleaned and made a very good dinner--a pot roast with lots of veggies slow cooked and plenty of gravy to go over those golden buttery potatoes! You would have thought the Queen was coming with the fuss I made over the house and the table and the food! LOL! Anyway, when J arrived there was no doubt that he was a special guest and I was honored to have him over for dinner.

Well, lucky me...because to this day J has turned out to be one of the most interesting and enjoyable persons I have ever met. It pains me to no end when he is in town and is unable to make it over to the house! We have to force our goodbyes when it is time for him to go! I am facsinated by his life in Europe, his views are broad and varied, he is a wonderful conversationalist, he is well read and well traveled, and is simply a person I never get tired of seeing or talking to.

Now, the other side...
I met a woman one year(don't want to be too specific), we were introduced through a friend at church. I was looking for help with something and a friend said she knew someone who could help me with my project. This lady "B" was having a difficult time and my friend thought B could use a friend/mentor (like me?). So I called B. I explained my situation and asked her if she could help...would she like to come over and have coffee, blah, blah, blah. Not the same situation as above, but I straightend up the house, made coffee and cookies...she came over. We discussed the project, she was interested, and then the bottom fell out!
Never in my life have I heard a more sorted and heartbreaking story...and it went on and on and on! I was stunned, and the longer I listened, the worse it got. Well, she had me hook, line and sinker...and for the next 6 months she nearly drained the life out of me! I can not tell you how glad I was to see that project come to an end, and see her walk out of my life. She called me nearly everyday, left message after message...It got to where I wouldn't answer the phone, and dreaded checking the answering machine.
See where my personality got me on that one???

After Kates blog I realized that I approach all my relationships as if they were "Lifetime". And then I fret (dreadfully so) when I drop the ball with a friend in "Meatspace" as X so delicately calls it! LOL :) [I like to call it my "Tangible life", but you get the point!] I can not be a Lifetime friend to everyone, but I try desperately...Why?

I'm not really sure why, but I can see that if I plan to live another 40 or 50 years I need to re-evaluate my expectations...not to change how I approach people, but to understand that the encounter will probably only last a season...and that is not a bad thing. Enjoy the season and enjoy the friend, and don't weep when the season is over--another one is coming! :)


luxlucisvita said...

hee!hee! phone is ringing now...I'm debating on whether to answer it or could be equivalent of the dreaded friend..!

Mayden's Voyage said...

OOps! DOn't answer that phone!
LOL :)

iamnot said...

I have to tell you, I have a bit of a problem with this concept of people coming and going through our lives to serve some purpose for us. The concept feels very self-centerd to me, and it almost seems to de-humanize those people...almost as though they did/would not exist if it were not for their interaction with us.
You don't touch here on the details of that thought as Kate did, so perhaps this would be better posted in response to her entry.
Really though, there are two sides to every interaction. Perhaps we are the one's coming in to their lives for a reason.

K9 said...

/bark bark bark

grrrrrrrrrrrrrl thanks for stopping by the yard. ive gone fishin'! you know gone native? shes up in georgia almost NC. your baby picture - i like it!

sorry off topic but just a howl out. hi Lux!


Mayden's Voyage said...

iamnot...I have to fully agree with you, and if anyone has to be a "reason" in a relationship--I'd want it to be me. (me being a help, or someone to lean on)

However, the reality is that people do come and go. They do pass through our lives, and we through theirs- Just think of high school, or college, or neighbors who have moved away that you once did everything with.
Heavens, I had a neighbor for 5 years who was as dear to me as a sister...and if she had not been in my life and I in hers for that period of time I don't know what we'd have done. She lives in WA now...I nearly died when she moved, but she was in my life (and I in hers) for a season, and for a reason. BUT--I will love her for a lifetime.
People are special. Friends are precious...I want to keep them all, but I guess I am learning that isn't always how it works...

Mayden's Voyage said...

You are welcome to howl out at Lux anytime you like! Thanks for stopping by! :)
-Cora :)

X. Dell said...

I've moved so often that my friends are only close for a certain period. Then comes the keeping-in-touch period that slowly drifts into occasionally keeping in touch. I don't know what it's like to know a person for a long time, outside of my family. If you or anyone else can keep friends longer than "a season," then more power to yuo.

Actually, my students started using the term 'meatspace.' I picked it up from them.

Mayden's Voyage said...

We are opposites in this regard, and maybe that is why I have a hard time letting go.
I have lived in the same city for 36 of my 37 years. Yes, moved a handful of times, but not more than 40 miles in any direction. My best friend, Chris, has been my best friend for over 25 years. We were 11 when we met, and by age 12 were quite inseparable. I spent most of this past weekend with her!
I would love to move--away...far far away! Not to avoid anyone, but to just "be" someplace else in the world- at least for a while. I have traveled to South Africa and SE Asia, and over most of the eastern US...but never lived anywhere else.
I live in a good sized city, but I know a lot of people...and I come from a rather large family. What would I do in a place where no one knew me??? I'd make a bunch of new freinds! :)

The Ramblin Irishman said...

I truly enjoy your style of writing. Your post made me think of a time my wife had when someone claimed to be her best friend, they shared little known details about problems in their lives and then the friend (??) proceeded to let the world know. Just about devastated my wife and caused her to be overly cautious about making new friends. Having just moved to a new town we are finding the same situation we have encountered many times over. People come around trying to persuade us to have feelings this way or that about other people. Luckily we are strong enough to make up our own minds whom we will choose and whom we think is good or bad or whatever. We try to like everyone.

X. Dell said...

I certainly understand the allure of having a friend for 25 years, Cora. You don't have to explain yourself again and again. You don't have to tell the same stories over and over.

Then again, I'm kinda grateful that I lived a lot of places, for I got to know and bond with a lot of different types of people, and I loved them all.

Soon, I'll be picking up my stakes again. Don't know where, but we get to do the whole thing over. I'm hoping that it will be either for the last, or next-to-last time.

luxlucisvita said...




guess what?..It was the dreaded friend!!! I swear!


That ramblin' post I did..well..turns ought I was comin' with the flu..sniff!

luxlucisvita said...

I was about to go browse somewhere else..but...I just stayed here for a moment thinking...I got a lot of friends who are now in every corner of the world...almost all my cousins are living in the west..I remember playing with them when I was a kid...everybody...has left...and soon..I know...I will be the one friends behind...

I sometimes become clingy...thinking that I can hold on to people...thinking that I can will them to stay...thinking that things would still stay the same...I had to let go of a friend I have known for a very very long time...I told that person that it was right to let go...not of the friendship...but of staying connected...there is a reason...I had to this...I had to do it...because I was a real friend...I wish I could say more...

someimes being a real friend can be painful..

kate said...

hummm interesting post (and spin on the topic *wink) interesting comments.

I think that if we analyze the friendships and dont just 'feel' them then there usually is a reason we connect. I think that it might be self centered to view it this way, but, in truth, we are all self centered... it is human nature.

I feel that I am the reason for many people as well. I can give you many examples. I am not stuck on timelines either. Some reasons are longer friendships than seasons. Lifetimer's to me are those people who mold and sculpt you in your life... family members (and not all of them qualify in my opinion) long time friends... I think even those toxic friends like you and lux have (yea yea I have a couple too) are 'reasons' not to you... but you to them! You were there to hear her when she needed to be heard. It is not wrong to let her go if she sucks the life out of you! In order for you to stay it would have had to have been a mutual relationship. Give and take. It is not a friendship otherwise.

I think that my blogmates here are 'reasons'... you guys... we are connecting and sharing... who knows for how long... but it is great for now and I am thankful to have you new friends!

On another note, I am like dell x and have moved around a lot. I LOVE to move. I get itchy when I stay too long as I feel like there are soooo many different places to see and learn about... people to meet and get to know... cultures... I am itchy right now just thinking about it! Getting out that Calamine lotion! Its much harder for my husband because he is not as outgoing as I am... he is a very content person... content where he is, pretty much all the time. I am the total opposit!

Mayden's Voyage said...

Irishman...I am sorry for the experience your wife had, but I suppose we've each had similar encounters. It's sad how a person can mark us in a negative way, and yet quite lovely when we find a "friend who fits"...Hope you find many in your new location :)

I envy you...perhaps a little more each day :) On the other hand, the grass is always greener on the next hilltop, isn't it? It must be kind of exciting, after a life of moving around, to be pondering about a long stretch in one place.

I get excited about getting my kids grown and then roaming all over the world :)
LOL...I didn't do the treck across Europe thing in my 20's. Perhaps in my 40'S? We'll see!

I understand...I am going through a similar thing right now...and it hurts like everything. I opened my heart, made room for this person, held in confidence a great many things that was dear to them...and I still have those things inside of me...and they have walked away. Silence. I ache like I've been hit by a car sometimes.
And fool that I am...I still care. I suppose that quality is part of what makes me who I am...wish I could change it. :(

luxlucisvita said...

and FOOL that I am...I still care...

I'm saying this to myself...

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