Tuesday, May 02, 2006

One of those days...

I'm not sad...not depressed...just out of sorts.
Ever have one of those days? Of course you have...we all do.

Days when what you've been doing doesn't ever seem like it's enough?

The people you love dissapoint you, or overlook you? And you try not to notice...pretend it doesn't matter...but it does.

Do you ever want to skip over the closest private island and just veg...for weeks at a time? (never done it, so I don't know whether or not I'd actually like it...but I'd be willing to give it a try!)

Ever want to cry, for no good reason, and then feel stupid about it?

Ever just want to climb up into the arms of someone bigger and stronger than you and admit that you aren't as brave or valiant or smart as you thought you were?

Ever feel all of these things and decide to chalk it up to being tired, but you know there is more to it than that?

In the 2 Towers in LOTR, the evil Wormtounge speaks to Eowyn and says,

"Oh, but you are alone. Who knows what you have spoken to the darkness, alone, in the bitter watches of the night, when all your life seems to shrink, the walls of your bower closing in about you, a hutch to trammel some wild thing in? So fair, yet so cold like a morning of pale Spring still clinging to Winter's chill."

And sometimes I hear that voice in my head late at night...wondering about the "wild thing" in me...and how I have clipped it's wings, and stored it away, perhaps hoping it would die, but it never does. "It weeps and it withers...and shivers with cold",

The frustration I feel with being able to only live ONE life. Laugh with me...you know what I mean...

When we were children, we wanted to be firemen, ballerinas, nurses, dancers,
GI Joes, and Barbies, and mommies, and daddies, and ride horses in the circus...and, and, and...

And all these years later, we stand in the middle of our choices, having no idea that they would lead us to this place. At times a place of joy, and sorrow, and good times and bad, but MOSTLY...SAMENESS. The way a river rushes past a boulder in the stream, everyday wearing it down, everyday taking the same course, and everyday shaping that massive rock into something smooth and curvy, something that looks nothing like it did originally.

So, it's been one of those days for me. Waiting, looking, working, cleaning, cooking, helping with school projects, picking up children, taking them to school and piano...looking at myself in the mirror and trying to figure out who I am.
Mom, wife, friend, sister, daughter, helper, encourager, doubter, reader, writer, believer, lost, found, curious...

How do all those things fit into the 2 small letters... ME?

4 comments:

Gary said...

Hope you are feeling better soon.

Mayden's Voyage said...

Thaks Gary...all ready much better! -Cora :)

luxlucisvita said...

one time a couple ov' weeks ago when I was feeling blah...I went to this little small caffe and splurged on a breakfast I would normally make at home...I hesitated on the way thinking that I would pay for a couple ov' pancakes I can very well cook myself...but...I'm glad I went through with it...the feeling of being served breakfast..being waited on...nice Latin music...plants...kinda' uplifted me...

other times when I feel really bleak I go dress up...fancy...with nowhere to go...imagine my sons asking "where you heading mom?..and I say nowhere just here."...I guess just dresing up sort ov' gives a bit of a lift....

but then again there are days that no matter what I do...it's just a real dreadfully weary blah...so I just sit and cry it out with real gusto and head on drama....yeah'

just one of those days...

kate said...

Well by now you KNOW the answer! lol Yes I am right there with ya! My Dad calls it the whats next stage... you reached your goals and now what?

He is right in many ways but for me it runs much deeper. I feel like I repressed an entire side of myself and have just recently been reintroduced to her. I had this awakening after all of my deaths this year and realized that I only get one life and I think I may be settling, not doing all I can do.

I am not complaining because I have a wonderful family, friends and lifestyle. I have all the material thinks I want BUT I feel like I am on the verge. The verge of change. I have really rocked the boat in my marriage. It needed to be done as we were living like roommates with conjugal visits. lol I wanted more. Unfortunately I also need to work on all of my depression/self issues at the same time so it doesnt make it easy. I really just want to run away. I want to run and run to somewhere in Europe and drink coffee in outdoor cafes... go to museums, roam and discover who I am again. Unfortunately you cant do that with a husband and 3 kids! Soooooooo I sit here blogging! lol

Ohhhh a downer of a comment... sorry!! Its just that you mentioned how much we have in common today in your comment and I then came here and read this... we do have a ton in common!