500th Post~ "Good Things" :)

Almost a "mute monday"-
but not quite~

Home again :)

Scroll- Review- Delete?

It's so easy to hide these days.

Drop out, walk away, change the number, delete the email- the address- and the unwanted messages. The only finger prints left are the ones on your heart, and no one is dusting for those.

Grow up, out- grow your up bringing, wiggle out of a dead skin or super-moisturize the old one, but there is no re-incarnation of this particular flesh. One has to die first. One has to expire and let go. I use to think there was such a thing as second chances, but now I see we're just taken to another "on ramp" a little farther down the highway and let loose to run again...until yet another breather, or re-fill, is necessary.

I've wandered around in different time zones, written deep thoughts on strange horizions, and cursed the mundane of the local Food Lion. I'd rather go to Whole Foods, but is it because it's so much better (well, yes- it is better) or because it's out of the norm??? I don't know. Maybe I just like being around people who seem different from me...Gay, green, super educated, homeless? (just a rumination here)

My wings are clipped. For now. I accept it.

I tried being "out there", I tried hiding, I tried being what I thought he/she/they wanted me to be...I failed. Lol. In one of my journal entries I actually wrote, "The brutal truth of this situation is that I failed to BE ME."

Me-

Who am I anyway? Does it depend on who you ask? Or on what you know? Hmm~

Someone from my past called me today to tell me "I love you". Based on a long relationship, a long time ago, filled with letters, in-depth conversations, and heart-felt words. I've missed that kind of connection in my life, yet, I've had little time for it. My commitment to this person has changed, as has my heart about many things...and I'm unsure how to express that to my friend- who I also love very much. There is a great possibility for rejection once the truth is known. Saddly- I've avoided this person for that very reason.

There are standards set I can not reach. There are expectations I can not meet. Like many others I know- I feel like I've been asked to build the Ark with Lincoln Logs, or the great Pyramid with legos. I don't have everything I need to produce the expected end result, not that I haven't tried. Oh- yes...I've tried.

We all try. We all fail. We don't fail all the time, mind you, but this is what we all have in common- more often than not- where we connect is in our mistakes, in our losses, in our struggles.

I've hidden. I've dropped out. I've also been dropped- and it hurts. This year I don't have the painful distractions I had last year (and I am thankful), but nor do I have the drama that kept me from looking too closely at some of the deeper truths I uncovered- which can not be changed, undone, or deleted.

(Bone, if you find the application on the Blackberry which does that...let me know~)

Peace as I scroll through stuff. Lots of stuff...

Mayden Wondering,or Wandering...not sure which~

" I think people don't place a high enough value on how much they are nurtured by doing whatever it is that totally absorbs them."

-Jean Shinoda Bolen

What absorbs you?

I got a Blackberry over the weekend- I'm feeling a tad absorbed, and overwhelmed by it- LOL :)
The camera's not bad~ :)

A Tale of Winter Love~

After tomorrow, he'll be gone-
All will vanish except for his knowing smile and perhaps a trace amount of vegetation.
I've only seen him a few times, but he makes me feel happy inside. He puts a grin on my face and reminds me of joyful moments lived long, long ago.

His cool demeanor is just for show. A hug from him might seem stiff, or even frosty, but I assure you- he's the real deal. Not a heart of ice, but rather a heart made with laughter, giggles, and little angel hands which gave their all- including wishes to hear him say, "Salutations!" :)

I know it will be a long time before someone like him greets me again. I felt a twinge of sadness in knowing our parting will be soon, and for an extended period of time.
He's special, especially in these parts.

It's always a pleasure to see him...
but perhaps something of a pleasure to also see him go?

;)

~Time Out~

I'm swamped for now-
Back in March :)

"I'll never fall in-love again" REDUX (kudos to /t <3 )

Hope you enjoy this one Libby :)

This is a different video, same song :)

A kiss! The word is sweet...

A kiss, when all is said, - what is it?

A pledge properly sealed, a promise seasoned to taste,

A vow stamped with the immediacy of a lip,

A rosy circle drawn around the verb 'to love.'

A kiss is a message too intimate for the ear,

Infinity captured in the bee's brief visit to a flower,

Secular communication with an aftertaste of heaven,

The pulse rising from the heart to utter its name on a lover's lip: 'Forever.'"

-Cyrano

♥~♥~♥

~ Valentines Day ~

This is a re-post, but seemed fitting for today-



This morning, in a Hardee's restaurant, I stood in line behind an elderly couple placing an order. The lady told the cashier what they wanted and the gentleman paid for breakfast. Their 2 little biscuits and coffee cost $3.79.

As he opened his wallet to take out his cash, he pulled out a $50 bill in Mexican money (Pesos?) turned his head, and grinned at me. He said, "They won't take this stuff"- and I smiled and replied, "No, I don't think they will". After he paid, he turned to me again and took out a bill I didn't recognize. As he showed it to me he said- with an even bigger grin, "They won't take this either!" I asked him where it was from, he answered, "The Soviet Union". I laughed and said, "Well, you are just loaded aren't you?" He laughed too- and then shuffled off to follow his wife to their table.
I placed my order next. As I waited at the counter I turned to watch the elderly couple and I caught them at the exact moment they held hands, lowered their heads, and gave thanks for their food. Tears welled up in my eyes immediately. A thousand thoughts and feelings swept over me as I stood watching. I didn't know the human brain could process so many thoughts and feelings in such a tiny span of time, but it did. In a matter of seconds I went from thinking about my chicken biscuit to getting weepy over a couple of old folks who were merely doing what they've probably done for 50 years or more. It was beautiful.

I wondered about their life and I secretly wanted to interview them. However, that would have been a distraction for me because what was at the root of my tears had nothing to do with the life they've led, and everything to do with my own. I realized, with all my heart, I wanted an investment in another person that would pay out this kind of gold in my old age.

I want more than love, and passion, and adoration- I want *Nirvana. I want the finished product at the end of my life to be whole and unbroken- I want to be saturated and satisfied. I want the kind of bliss I saw this morning between 2 old people holding hands and giving thanks for their simple breakfast.
I think today, for the first time in my life, I saw the PRIZE. I saw it for what it really is and I feel utterly inept in trying to describe it. Even now as I sit here typing -the tightness in my throat and the tears on my cheeks are all I have to express how I feel.

I was called away and didn't get to ask the couple any questions, but I didn't need to. Sometimes the facts of a matter ding or tarnish the patina of feelings or sentiment. I didn't want anything to spoil what I was thinking and feeling- so I am at peace about not having the history of their life. (Although, if I ever see them again, I will ask :)

The Prize, exactly as I saw it this morning is Unconditional Love, both the giving and receiving of it. I'm aware Unconditional Love is different things to different people. For some of us it simply means keeping our word. For others it means giving up an organ, or taking care of another until the bitter end. The form of such love isn't universal, but the nature of it, how it makes us feel, and the way it sustains us- THAT is universal.


Having seen the Prize I know what to strive for. I realize I've experienced it a few times in my life- although often it seems fleeting - I'm determined to keep asking and reaching for it. At the same time I believe I must give it away freely before it will come back to me in abundance.


"Love" is one thing. "Unconditional Love" is something else entirely... I wish it for all of us.


Happy Valentines Day friends.

"Brown"

My vision is altered, changed-
No longer can I see
The perfect simplicity
Of Black and White

Even the color of love,
Once a cotton-fluff-shade-of pink ♥
Is splattered with the intense purple of passion,
And smeared with drops of Crimson

As if the Secret doors, or-
The curtain behind which Oz is hiding-
Have all been opened,
Or pulled back.

~Nothing is quite what it seems~


The light of each day surrenders to the dark,
Birth is not painless
Love is often complicated
Our Golden-life-giving Sun causes cancer

Opposite sides of the same coin
Are both seen at once-
My mind is barely pliable
Enough to grasp the harsh truth
Behind each reality.



I wonder though, if my altered sight is an improvement or a deterioration?


Much as a scuba diver drops into a world of watery filled light- with visibility in sharp decline to the surface above, and yet, a whole new world appears before him.

Eyes adjust, new discoveries are made with whatever light is possible.
Reflective patterns on spotted fishes and Orange coral are only to be seen with a mask and in the liquid murky depths of the sea.

The experience will change the diver, but did his vision improve because of the experience?
I only know the ocean will never look the same to him again.

They say with age comes wisdom.
These days I mostly feel befuddled.

The colors I associate with life have begun to run-
The vibrant oil paints have become watercolors.


Blue bleeds into red = purple streaks-
Yellow washes into Blue = green flourishes.
All the colors of the rainbow drip on to the floor...
There are NO shades of Gray,

I see Muddy Brown.

The questions and answers,
Myths, truth, illusions, and reality-
All exist is this most earthy of shades...
the color of soil, and seeds, tiny birds, and swollen rivers.

Gone are the days of Black and White.


-CRB 11-30-2008

Love...

I promise- you can not believe how funny this is!

I went to bed having seen a beautiful sunset last night, and my good friend was close by, but there's an element of sadness I feel which I've been having trouble getting away from. It's been a hard year full of tough things- some very private, and some I've been public about. This morning as I watched the tide roll out with the sunrise I was determined to focus on the positive things in my life and not let the ache take hold of my heart today.
4 things happened-

First, a beloved friend sent me the funniest off the wall text I've gotten in ages. There was no way at all my friend could have known how much I needed to laugh at that EXACT moment- and kept me laughing most of the morning.

Second, my girlfriend kept up the hilarity at breakfast as we created our "Anti-Cross Pollination Manifesto". Don't ask what it means- only we understand it and will probably go to our graves with it's secrets firmly tucked in our bra's, or something ;)

Third, I actually had time to visit with some of you- which was wonderful- and I'm not done making my rounds.

Fourth, this video. It is honestly one of the funniest things I've seen in ages. I cried (from laughing) when I watched it. LOL-
Probably because it reminds me of my own life.

So far, what could have been a difficult day, has turned out rather well. Not perfect, but good, and the day is not over yet...I'm going to mix up a Martini VERY soon ;) Too bad you won't get to see any of that on video- but I do have an appearance to keep up! lol

Sunsets should be shared~ Crystal Coast NC

It was a warm day on the coast for this time of year- almost 60 today.
I'm at the beach again...my happy place. I worked hard all week (painting and hanging wall paper in a house close to the beach), and I intend to take this weekend one minute at a time and enjoy all of them-

This was the view which awaited me when I went for a walk this afternoon on the shore.

I never fail to be stunned by the sunsets here in the winter. It's crazy beautiful, and so few people see them. Lately I'm of the mindset that Glory often shows itself when almost no one is looking. The few of us who do catch a glimpse of it are scrambling for their cameras- or simply soaking it in.

I consider myself lucky to have been here, with my camera, to share these with you.

(and why not a shot of the photographer too? hmmm? :)

I will be coming round shortly for visits and to catch up with you all. I have missed you.

A reflection-

How well I remember the RUSH...
Reading you made me blush- and
Made me laugh, made me cry-
Made me wonder Where and Why?

How else would our paths have crossed?
I'm Startled by how much I would have lost-
If I had never risked the words-
NOT writing- now- seems absurd

Little pearls are what you are-
You burn in me like glowing stars.
You made your marks, took your place-
None will ever be replaced.

Three years ago I took a dare-
And look at all who've responded with care.
I took a journey, only to find a haven...
In friends who paused to read the Voyage of Mayden.


Those who have touched me:
A wise and brave man who became a cherished friend-
A Ph D who always makes me think
A Dog, who I thought was a dude, who is as a beloved sister as any I have- and her art is everywhere in my home
Another sister- across the sea in the South Pacific- whose name means Light.
A fellow Conservative who got one of my first scarves
A wonderful artist who I love to send fudge too- and couldn't last year...but who knows what 09 will bring ? :) (I so adore you Ted!)
A friend whose soul was broken by death and grief- who opened her heart and home to me...you are a sister too.
A Foming Moan- who is strong and gives courage through her understanding
An artist whose lake/mountain scene hangs in my home
A fuzzy Lamb and a puggy dog
A poet who stole my heart-
An Aussie I admire
A sweet lovely woman who sent me books in the mail- and I needed them!
A former solider who likes to cook, and likes things HOT, and loves his wife, dogs, and family :)
A solider I met, but can't find anymore.
A woman of many names- Pink and Red were some
A Monster who came for a visit from the land of the Rising Sun, and his image still hangs on my wall over my desk. I miss you Scary Monster :)
A former New Yorker also in the Land of the Rising Sun...who left a message on my cell phone once and I kicked myself for a week for missing that call!
Another New Yorker who is in love with a Prince
Oh- Lance...still- I think of you- I miss you as well.
And you too friend- but there is nothing Cruel about you
Sridhar- yeah...I'll name you. I like the way you think :)
A lover of 24 who I am pretty sure I'm related to- distantly :) (I suppose all true Southerners might be distantly related?)
New friends who con the con-artists
Old friends who've shut their blog... I AM NOT (and a few others)
Wild friends who take daring photos and post them (wow!)
A gardener I had the pleasure of meeting once in South Carolina
A pilot who really loves to fly- :)
And a dozen others who've stopped long enough to say hello- I hope I did as well by you.

AND MY BELOVED PIXIE :)

I think I'm past the dark passage which had to be endured. Sunshine awaits me. Words fill every corner of my mind. I am breathing again. There will be other difficult things to face down the road and such is life, but today is a day to rejoice.

I am so happy to just BE; and so happy to know each of you- in whatever ways were deemed right- for however long or short.

Thank you always for the time you've spent with me.

~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~

"Walking"- by Thoreau

We have been packing and cleaning all week to move my Mother this weekend. In my spare moments I have begun to re-read "Lillith" by George MacDonald
and found the following in the Preface- it is as lovely a thing as I have read in ages...next to your blog posts and comments of course :) Enjoy! (and Phos- this is especially for you- seeing how I put my glass down long enough to grant your request- lol :)

"I took a walk on Spaulding's Farm the other afternoon. I saw the
setting sun lighting up the opposite side of a stately pine wood. Its
golden rays straggled into the aisles of the wood as into some noble
hall. I was impressed as if some ancient and altogether admirable
and shining family had settled there in that part of the land called
Concord, unknown to me -- to whom the sun was servant -- who
had not gone into society in the village -- who had not been called
on. I saw their park, their pleasure-ground, beyond through the
wood, in Spaulding's cranberry-meadow. The pines furnished them
with gables as they grew. Their house was not obvious to vision;
the trees grew through it. I do not know whether I heard the sounds
of a suppressed hilarity or not. They seemed to recline on the
sunbeams. They have sons and daughters. They are quite well. The
farmer's cart-path, which leads directly through their hall, does not
in the least put them out, as the muddy bottom of a pool is
sometimes seen through the reflected skies. They never heard of
Spaulding, and do not know that he is their
neighbor -- notwithstanding I heard him whistle as he drove his
team through the house. Nothing can equal the serenity of their
lives. Their coat-of-arms is simply a lichen. I saw it painted on the
pines and oaks. Their attics were in the tops of the trees. They are
of no politics. There was no noise of labor. I did not perceive that
they were weaving or spinning. Yet I did detect, when the wind
lulled and hearing was done away, the finest imaginable sweet
musical hum -- as of a distant hive in May -- which perchance was
the sound of their thinking. They had no idle thoughts, and no one
without could see their work, for their industry was not as in knots
and excrescences embayed.

But I find it difficult to remember them. They fade irrevocably out
of my mind even now while I speak, and endeavor to recall them
and recollect myself. It is only after a long and serious effort to
recollect my best thoughts that I become again aware of their
cohabitancy. If it were not for such families as this, I think I should
move out of Concord."

Lovely!!!

Cheers!

I wanted a special glass- something that spoke to me ...

I looked and looked and looked-

---This is what I found---

I could only afford one- (not that it was terribly expensive, but I am on a budget!)---

And of course, I wanted to buy wine too :)

It's colorful and feels wonderful in the hand- and the "blue" in the middle has a special meaning for me.

When I brought it home, everyone said, "It's YOU!"

I thought so too :) (The label said "Cassablanca", which made it all the more perfect :)

I know it's such a fancy glass and should probbaly only be used on special occasions, but I intend to use it every day...even if I'm only drinking water out of it.

What "special" thing do you have stored away for a certain occasion? Is there anything you use on a daily basis to remind you that YOU are special?

I hope so, because you are worth it.

A special toast here to Roxanne, who made me feel treasured this week, and for Cosmo- because I read something at his blog which reminded me of a beautiful moment, and to the Skunk- he knows why :), and to a loved "annon" blogger who I won't name. Also, one day, I do hope Lady Lux, Helene, Foamy and I will all tilt our glasses in a toast together...NYD- you are invited too! Hugs :)

Hope you all have a wonderful week!

Wow MN...

First Jesse for Gov, and now this?



The country seems to have a strong affinity of the separation of church and state...
How about the separation comedians and state?

Welcome 2009

A sudden light transfigures a trivial thing, a weather-vane, a wind-mill, a winnowing flail, the dust in the barn door; a moment,—and the thing has vanished, because it was pure effect; but it leaves a relish behind it, a longing that the accident may happen again.
- Walter Pater

Don't look for the "transfiguring light"- it will find you.

Don't pine away for it once it's gone because another one will come soon.

Cherish the moment and keep it in your heart.

I wish each of you a wonderful New Year- full of love, light, and joy :)

Hugs :)

Consumed~

The other night I dreamt I became a mother again~
Sitting on my bed in a quiet house, I held a tiny little boy in my arms and felt overcome with love and wonder.

In that perfect golden moment I had no worries, no fear, no doubt, not even a stray thought about what to fix for dinner. I was too enthralled, almost hypnotized, consumed by the sight, movement, and scent of the tender and gentle child in my arms.

I existed for him. He existed because of me.


We were encircled, much like a womb, with such love, need, and beauty, there was no room for anything else. No fret, trauma, or even a mild irritation could penetrate the almost tangible flow of warm energy which surrounded us.

There have been very few times in my life when my head and heart have been quiet and focused enough to simply exist for one thing, and one thing only. So few times have I been able to LIVE and breathe- IN and FOR the moment as it arrives. The dream reminded me to be aware of such moments, like now- as I'm writing- and take a deep breath as I let the rest of the world fall away...away...away.

Jumbled disgruntled thoughts push and jockey just outside the frosted glass door of my inner sanctum...much like impatient shoppers on Black Friday ready to rush in and grab, or crush, what little bit of sanity is left, but it occurs to me- I don't need to unlock those doors. Not yet anyway. I can wait.

I can BE~

I can not physically have another child.

I awoke from my beautiful dream with a tinge of sadness as I realized the baby in my thoughts was one I would never hold in my arms.

Yet, the purpose of the dream was not meant to fill me with a longing for something I can not have, it was to show me what was possible.

The dream was about making a space within the confines of my heart and mind to shelter me. To re-create a womb, if you will, where trouble, fear, anxiety, and rejection have no way in to harm me...at least not within the bounds of that sphere.

A mental form of insulation.

A place to find a breath-taking moment of joy.

A willingness to surrender my fears and pain and to be consumed by beauty, love, creativity, and goodness.

A longing to LIVE and BREATHE in more moments as they unfold.

To simply BE~

-

Much like Bob must feel when he's flying, or K9 when she's painting, Prisim when she's cooking or writing, Foamy when she's sketching, /t when he's creating another masterpiece, X when he's researching...each of you have given me a glimpse inside the sphere where you find peace. Thank you.

-

-

I'm thankful also for the dream I had of the new baby, and that he exists only in my heart and mind, and I won't have to change any diapers! :)

Run, Run Rudolph!

What do you hope to find under your Christmas tree?

(Thank you K9 :)

I have Billy's Christmas CD and listen to it every year-this is one of his best songs : )
_______________

______

As much as I love Billy Idol I'm not sure I'd want to find him under my tree :) Daniel Craig is another matter entirely! lol-

Actually, the things I want this year are things no one else can give me.

I want to feel grounded again,
But not lose the ability to soar.
To sleep at night with a clear mind,
But find it a jumble of creative ideas in the morning-
and with no regrets.

To love fully, without having to apologize.
To quit pretending to love, without having to apologize.

To inhale the world,
and exhale Me...
and not who everyone wants me to be.

To be aware of the past,
but not let it dictate my future.
To create a way for tomorrow-
Which will carry me with gratitude, joy, and love in this life, and in the next.

To remember the best way to "say" I love you is to SHOW it.
To show my children no one in the world is more important to me than they are.
To exercise with all my heart, for my heart...because no one else is going to take
care of me if I don't take care of me first.

I want to listen twice as long as I speak.
I want to write 3 times longer than I speak and listen.

To find a quiet corner I can call my own. MY OWN- where no one else can invade my space without being invited.

To enjoy me being me, and enjoy you being you.


Merry Christmas, and Happy Hanukkah friends~

Just one of the things I'm thankful for this year~

Thank you for all the b-day wishes for Juli...

Enjoy this little one- it only takes a minute- and you won't be sorry you listened- He is adorable!

My Asher...(well, he's my nephew!)