Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Scroll- Review- Delete?

It's so easy to hide these days.
Drop out, walk away, change the number, delete the email- the address- and the unwanted messages. The only finger prints left are the ones on your heart, and no one is dusting for those.

Grow up, out- grow your up bringing, wiggle out of a dead skin or super-moisturize the old one, but there is no re-incarnation of this particular flesh. One has to die first. One has to expire and let go. I use to think there was such a thing as second chances, but now I see we're just taken to another "on ramp" a little farther down the highway and let loose to run again...until yet another breather, or re-fill, is necessary.

I've wandered around in different time zones, written deep thoughts on strange horizions, and cursed the mundane of the local Food Lion. I'd rather go to Whole Foods, but is it because it's so much better (well, yes- it is better) or because it's out of the norm??? I don't know. Maybe I just like being around people who seem different from me...Gay, green, super educated, homeless? (just a rumination here)
My wings are clipped. For now. I accept it.

I tried being "out there", I tried hiding, I tried being what I thought he/she/they wanted me to be...I failed. Lol. In one of my journal entries I actually wrote, "The brutal truth of this situation is that I failed to BE ME."

Who am I anyway? Does it depend on who you ask? Or on what you know? Hmm~

Someone from my past called me today to tell me "I love you". Based on a long relationship, a long time ago, filled with letters, in-depth conversations, and heart-felt words. I've missed that kind of connection in my life, yet, I've had little time for it. My commitment to this person has changed, as has my heart about many things...and I'm unsure how to express that to my friend- who I also love very much. There is a great possibility for rejection once the truth is known. Saddly- I've avoided this person for that very reason.

There are standards set I can not reach. There are expectations I can not meet. Like many others I know- I feel like I've been asked to build the Ark with Lincoln Logs, or the great Pyramid with legos. I don't have everything I need to produce the expected end result, not that I haven't tried. Oh- yes...I've tried.

We all try. We all fail. We don't fail all the time, mind you, but this is what we all have in common- more often than not- where we connect is in our mistakes, in our losses, in our struggles.

I've hidden. I've dropped out. I've also been dropped- and it hurts. This year I don't have the painful distractions I had last year (and I am thankful), but nor do I have the drama that kept me from looking too closely at some of the deeper truths I uncovered- which can not be changed, undone, or deleted.

(Bone, if you find the application on the Blackberry which does that...let me know~)

Peace as I scroll through stuff. Lots of stuff...


tinkerbell the bipolar faery said...

I have felt the pain, humiliation of being dropped, by a person who does, as you say, scroll, review, delete. just change you cell phone number, and you've disappeared. Its sad ... for those who make this a regular practice ... who treat others as if disposable.


Enemy of the Republic said...

Oh, Mayden! I've been there and I'm there again. I know what you are writing about as I too could have written these words. My heart lately has felt like a throbbing wound. God bless you, my dear friend.

Gnomeself Be True said...

Some of us go through changes for reasons we can't control.
That doesn't mean we go away entirely.

NYD said...

Every corner turned, door opened or sea shell picked up while walking the beaches of life were all put there for a reason.
You don't want to erase any of it. It's what makes you, you.

If it were painful. It taught you compassion. If stressful, you learned endurance. Confused you will eventually come to enlightenment.

You might already have.

Mayden' s Voyage said...

Rox- you are right...there are some who treat others as "disposable"- and I never want to be that person. On the other hand, there are times when our plate is simply full, or our hearts are empty- we do all we can to just keep breathing.
We've both "been there, done that" haven't we?

It was good to read you today. I hope you have a wonderful and organized week :)

Hugs Susan, this is a hard week, a hard month...will we always carry a quiet ache as the end of March arrives? I think so- for many years anyway.
Prayers of peace and love are said for you today, and in the days to come.

Gnome...I wish you were closer :) Or at least, sometimes I do! Thank you~

You always know exactly what I need to hear. This morning I was being critical of myself and some past decisions- all of which were made based on the info I had at the time. At any given moment I rarely have all the answers and have to make a choice based on what I know, how I feel, what I have, and what is lacking. Sometimes Virtue and Fortitude are missing in my decisions, but those choices always end up making me feel empty in the long run. Perhaps with age I'll recall that emptiness when making a decision, as much as I recall a hangover prior to enjoying a Martini (or 3).

Enlightment is coming~ thanx :)

Libby said...

...cora, i've been deleted from 2 people's lives that i thought would be with me "for better or worse", such as it may be. but, honestly, i'm finding myself here now, &, wonder of wonders, i like myself a whole lot better now!

Skunkfeathers said...

My friend, simply *HUG*

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Malinda777 said...

I feel you and have been there and maybe even am now. I think in this particular today...things are strange and our generation hasn't had to deal with it to this degree before.

It's funny that you said you are drawn by those so different than you. I too had so many close to me that were so different...and dropped for one reason or another... but today... I am realizing that I truly enjoy the people more like me...and if they aren't...then good...but not in my everyday life :)

I don't judge, but I am finding in my old age of 46...drama is something I tolerate less each year from others :)

I may be odd...I may be different in my own way...stubborn, Conservative yet flighty sometimes within myself...but I no longer care what others think.

I realize at 46...there's only so many years left...and I can't please everybody all the time. My golden years will be to love my husband, kids, and those that won't drop me :) Fuck the rest of them :) :) :)

Sometimes it just feels good to say fuck you to someone...even if you just think it :) I'm not good at it either :) After all... we are ladies :)

foam said...

Drop out, walk away, change the number, delete the email- the address- and the unwanted messages.

lordy .. do i ever want to do all of that .. a whole lot of the time ..
.. like daily ..

aa said...