Friday, December 19, 2008


The other night I dreamt I became a mother again~
Sitting on my bed in a quiet house, I held a tiny little boy in my arms and felt overcome with love and wonder.

In that perfect golden moment I had no worries, no fear, no doubt, not even a stray thought about what to fix for dinner. I was too enthralled, almost hypnotized, consumed by the sight, movement, and scent of the tender and gentle child in my arms.

I existed for him. He existed because of me.

We were encircled, much like a womb, with such love, need, and beauty, there was no room for anything else. No fret, trauma, or even a mild irritation could penetrate the almost tangible flow of warm energy which surrounded us.

There have been very few times in my life when my head and heart have been quiet and focused enough to simply exist for one thing, and one thing only. So few times have I been able to LIVE and breathe- IN and FOR the moment as it arrives. The dream reminded me to be aware of such moments, like now- as I'm writing- and take a deep breath as I let the rest of the world fall away...away...away.

Jumbled disgruntled thoughts push and jockey just outside the frosted glass door of my inner sanctum...much like impatient shoppers on Black Friday ready to rush in and grab, or crush, what little bit of sanity is left, but it occurs to me- I don't need to unlock those doors. Not yet anyway. I can wait.
I can BE~

I can not physically have another child.
I awoke from my beautiful dream with a tinge of sadness as I realized the baby in my thoughts was one I would never hold in my arms.
Yet, the purpose of the dream was not meant to fill me with a longing for something I can not have, it was to show me what was possible.

The dream was about making a space within the confines of my heart and mind to shelter me. To re-create a womb, if you will, where trouble, fear, anxiety, and rejection have no way in to harm least not within the bounds of that sphere.
A mental form of insulation.
A place to find a breath-taking moment of joy.
A willingness to surrender my fears and pain and to be consumed by beauty, love, creativity, and goodness.
A longing to LIVE and BREATHE in more moments as they unfold.
To simply BE~
Much like Bob must feel when he's flying, or K9 when she's painting, Prisim when she's cooking or writing, Foamy when she's sketching, /t when he's creating another masterpiece, X when he's researching...each of you have given me a glimpse inside the sphere where you find peace. Thank you.
I'm thankful also for the dream I had of the new baby, and that he exists only in my heart and mind, and I won't have to change any diapers! :)


/t. said...

a perfectly apt
post for christmas (!)

<3 <3 <3


wulfine said...

i find myself in a society consumed by the irrelevant minutia of life.

my marriage has been my sanctum ... my motherhood ... my career as a nurse ... all these bits of me which i somehow needed to externalize in order to find shelter.

i have the capacity to provide myself with that shelter ... peace can come from within me ... when i stopped waiting for some external entity to quell my restless heart, i realized ...

i must try to soothe the heartbreak of watching a disease ravage the one i love by doing everything in my power to relief pain, suffering and provide an atmosphere of levity and peace. our parents will die before us. mayden, we can never change that. we must accept it will happen and make the most of each moment. those are my words for you tonight.

NYD said...

I think that is the perfect way to start a new year; with the desire to create and the belief that there is something new on the horizon.

Have a happy holiday.

foam said...

really wonderfully and beautifully written, mayden.
...may you find your peaceful inner sanctum...
merry christmas to you and your family..

Skunkfeathers said...

Merry Christmas, Mayden ;)

K9 said...

tres beautiful. in words and content. merry merry merry christmas to you friend. xoxox

SJ said...

Merry Christmas Mayden!!!

Everybody seems to be posting about dreams right now good that at least yours were happy ones :)

Gnomeself Be True said...

Last night I dreamt about not being able to get film out of a camera.
I'm not feeling the poetry urge myself.

Merry Christmas Mayden.

Libby said...

merry christmas to you & your family, cora!!

The Phosgene Kid said...

Nice post. I still search for my "happy place," but think it may be when everyone is here at the Tiny House. I love having the place filled with laughter...

leelee said...

Merry Christmas Mayden!


NYD said...

Merry Christmas, kiddo.

Don't spend all your time under the mistletoe.

AlmightyHeidi said...

I have felt this with my children before, thank you for taking me back to that sacred space...the one I forget to visit.

X. Dell said...

Perhaps the dream refers to another type of creative force? How's your fiction writing, lately?

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