Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Rain

I had a nightmare last night- About a house my mom and dad lived in...and it was restored or something, but when it rained the roof would leak and water would gush down the stairs.

I could see the rain coming. Soaking through wood and damaging sheetrock.
I grabbed buckets...only to slosh through ankle deep water.

I kept trying to fix the mess-
I couldn't.

I kept asking someone to fix the roof-
They couldn't.

My dad wanted to put duct tape over the leak (which isn't like him at all)- and I got upset with him because he wouldn't listen.

And I just stood there- watching everything around me becoming ruined- all I could do was watch.
I was soaking wet- from the rain, and from my own tears.

I awoke kind of confused.
My parents don't live in the same house- this dream was not about them.


************************
This dream is about being feeling incapable of fixing something.

I woke up feeling defeated and vulnerable.
I had the saddest feeling that I couldn't make things right- no matter what. For a period of time- kind of like in the middle of a fire, or a hurricane, all I could do was stand in the middle of a very sad situation and ONLY watch.

I usually know my limits- but lately I've had a lot to process.
And sometimes in life there are simply times when we have to step back and let nature take it's course.
Let the fires burn.
Watch the storms run their destined course.
Let God choose who gets taken home.

Then~

We clean up.
We re-build.
We bury our dead and celebrate their life-
As we learn how to live without them.

What do I want?
To stop aching over my past mistakes and misunderstandings.
To Not be driven by ill-fated passion, or loss, or envy.
To love with all my heart.
To be a better listener.
To exceed my goals- both physical and work related.
To be a patient mom- and not be so critical.
To be an honest friend.

And I want someone to fix that leaky roof in my dream...

27 comments:

Bardouble29 said...

(((HUGS)))

I am going through the same feelings and emotions right now. I feel like I am a little lost. I am frustrated that I met someone who brought so much sunshine into the world and now there is so much sadness and rain.

It has caused me to take stock of my own life. Look at the ones I love and where I am. I want to live to the fullest and make damn sure the ones I love know it.

I am so glad there are many of us who can share this and give each other encouragement.

Mayden's Voyage said...

Hey friend...
If you aren't afraid of heights- and you think you can fix a leaky roof- I'm happy to have you along on this journey.
And even if you can't fix it- I'm grateful for your company.
I'm sorry this is so tough-
(((HUGS))) to you too~ sometimes that means more to me than just about anything else...

SJ said...

I like what you wrote about Letting fires burn etc. Can't be superman without the superpowers can we?

foam said...

some things are perhaps meant to be unfixable and stay unfixed. i remember years ago, before the berlin wall came down, travelling to berlin. i was on the western side and stood infront of this cathedral. i'm not recalling the name right now...too early. but this once magnificent cathedral had been bombed and ruined during ww2. it was never rebuilt. it was left to stand as is as a memorial to what happened during the time. i just stood infront of it and marveled at the fragmented beauty of it.

Scary Monster said...

Funny. Me reckons you be perfectly woman. Don't change too much, but keep the faith.

STOMP long and prosper.

LADY LUXIE said...

hmmmm..hmmm...hmmmm..just awhile ago I was thinking about some things I wish I could just..just go back to and fix...I can't anymore...I've done what I've done...it's done...done...done...done..done..

So..I'm just picking up this whole block of "done" and am throwing it in the deepest wormhole there is!..There!

I'm glad you wrote this...

It's raining here...

Gardener Greg said...

I get like that sometimes. I get the feeling of helplessness to correct the past or even the moment at hand. Two nights ago I had a different dream but with similar feelings. I was back on a submarine and something was wrong with it, I remember that others were trying to fix the problem but it was hopeless. There was nothing I could do either. The last thing I remember was the submarine turning straight up on end and sinking faster and faster and I just knelt and prayed. I woke up with chills after that one. Gotta hate those dreams. I wish I knew what they meant.

On a brighter note, I can fix anything with a ball of string, super glue and some duct tape. When do we start?

Greg

/t. said...

wow,
good post,
maydenly one

the wisdom to know the difference between those things that we can and cannot 'fix'

and 'someone to fix the leaky roof in your dream'... have you tried the yellow pages? ;)

/t.

puerileuwaite said...

I'll be right over with my duct tape. But since it's a dream, I'll have to be paid in unicorns.

Bone said...

I'm sorry about your nightmare. I hate that helpless feeling. *hugs*

You could always try eating chili right before bedtime to alter your dreams :)

PS: You missed a great 24 this week!

iamnot said...

In the end, almost all of the really important things are not within our power to control.
Happiness, sadness, hope or despair...they're all in how we react to the events in our lives, not how we control them.

kate said...

Like Bardouble I mirror many of your feelings.

1.To stop aching over my past mistakes and misunderstandings.

Growth... thats what that is. I think it just takes time to process things. I believe your dreams help you process.

2.To Not be driven by ill-fated passion, or loss, or envy.

If we do not take the risk how do we know if it will be ill fated or not? Sometimes it will be...but other times... But if you want to live a full life you cant live in fear of following your heart.

3.To love with all my heart.

Ahhh this one is difficult. I think that there are people that you should love with all your heart(ie your kids), then there are people that you should love with part of your heart. I guess what I mean is that there are different degrees of love to me. As I see it, part of your issue at hand, is that you love more than most... across the board.=]

4.To be a better listener.

You are a GREAT listener!

5.To exceed my goals- both physical and work related.

If you set realistic goals you should be striving to meet them. To over state them just sets you up for failure not success. Bask in the glory of meeting your goals and if you exceed them, have a big whopper of a party! =]

6.To be a patient mom- and not be so critical.

Ya all us Moms have this one on the list... its a constant battle to be the best we can be! =]

7.To be an honest friend.
Do you think that you are not an honest friend? I am having a tough time understanding this comment... I think back to a conversation we shared about having certain friends you can really talk to and some that you cant share everything with. I dont think this makes you dishonest... just particular.

The Phosgene Kid said...

Actually the dream was beamed into your noggin by the companies that sell flood insurance. Commercials - you can run, but you can't hide!!

JohnB said...

Mayden...I want to say that you did a pretty good dream-analysis at the end of your post; your well-formed insight is not a surprise...:)

X. Dell said...

Hmmm. I think I should answer this via e-mail.

SpongyBones said...

Sometimes I just get buckets and haul it out.

Nea said...

I have a reacurring dream that my home in Louisiana has been either ransacked, or beaten up by a hurricane, I am never quite sure, but it has no roof, and all of my furniture is basically gone. I think my dream is telling me it is time to go and check on things. At first I remember being upset, and then a bit relieved, because I didn't have to worry about moving all that furniture.

Feelings of helplessness and vulnerability often accompany a really bad dream. Don't you think these feelings are probably manifestations of your recent losses?

But I heard tonight that housework gives women a sense of power. HUH? Now that gave me a good laugh.....

Nea said...

hmmmmmmm is it recurring or reacurring, oh well, you get the idea.

leelee said...

In the end, almost all of the really important things are not within our power to control.
Happiness, sadness, hope or despair...they're all in how we react to the events in our lives, not how we control them.


I'm with iamnot on this...you always get the choice on how to react to the events of our lives.

Good for you putting your feelings out there for feedback from your friends...I find that that can be very comforting. It also has assited me in seeing things from a slightly different perspective.

big HUGS! Mayden..

Mayden's Voyage said...

SJ-
I wish I had some super powers :)
(aside from the super-power I have to make a big mess!)

Foam- Beuatifully said- I hadn't thought of that...thank you~

Scary- Perfectly woman? LOL... definitely a woman- far from perfect :) But- thank you :)

Mayden's Voyage said...

Luxie-
I love how you word things...picking up "done" and throwning it in a wormhole! LOL- that's wonderful. There is a point where we have to let things go- things we can't fix or change. "Serenity Prayer"- might be time for me to re-read that :)

Greg- that sub dream is scary...because you know that when the sub tips- no one makes it out alive. I hope you don't dream that again~
Come on over- bring that string, and duct tape, and super glue :)
I'll make some tea and get the ladder! LOL

/t- Thanks :) Now, let's see...where are those Yellow Pages?
It's funny- when I think about it- but phone books will be almost obsolete when my kids are grown...as it is, we look up almost everything on line!

Pug- Good to see you :) I have lots of Unicorns- and a weird little monkey :) I think we can work soemthing out :)

Bone- thanks :) I finally saw the episode last night- OMgoodness!!! I KNEW Audry wasn't dead- I just KNEW it!!! I'll be over in a bit :)

Iamnot- You're a wise man (and often right :). Thank you- I'm listening.

Mayden's Voyage said...

Kate- What a dear friend you are- thank you. #7- you are right- it's not a matter of being dishonest (I try hard never to be that)- it's a matter of saying the right thing- to the right person.

Phos- LOL...I hate commercials! The "Mute" button will be the first one to get worn off on my clicker :)

John B-
Hey John :)- Thanks~ isn't it strange how the mind process things in our sleep? My dreams are always detailed- and those details usually mean something-
usually :)

X~ got it- and thank you :)

Spongy- LOL- In my dream I had to run to the back of the house to empty the bucket through a window...and I had to run so far there was no way I was going to make a diffrence...and it was still raining :) Ugh~

Nea- I'm with you- I laughed when I read that...Housework empowers women? Not this one~ it just makes me tired- and grumpy, because the kids are going to truck through here and mess it all up again :)

Leelee- thank you. I send a hug in return :) (((Hugs))))

kate said...

thinking of you... are you home? lets chat tomorrow or over the weekend. I have 'news'...

Crashtest Comic said...

Sounds like someone has a fear
of high heels
manifesting in their dreams...

Bird said...

some things are fixed by being broken.

some are meant to be unfixable.

some are meant to be fixed by someone else.

some meant to be fixed by me.

my problem: figuring out which is which. i hate it when i fix something only to discover that in the fixing, i broke myself.

flap/flap/BONK!

The Phosgene Kid said...

No nightmares, it was really raining here - yes, here in the desert. No leaks in the house so far, but a wet husky is pretty disgusting. Seems Yukon's mom forgot the "come in out of the rain" lesson.

the.red.mantissa said...

foam and bird - i'm with them both. indeed, not everything needs to get 'fixed.'

its raining here. but each time it rains, spring explodes a little more in the lush green grass, the 'greening' of the trees and the blossoms. with each rain, i see a little more growth and beauty.

this very recent loss - it sits with me strangely. yesterday my husband came home late - much later than usual. i had gotten myself into such a state - reflecting on all the possible reasons why he could or would arrive home late.

that one reason -that one dark and terrible possibility seized me. honestly and truly. i found myself standing in the rain, in the middle of the street outside our house, wrapped in a red blanket, crying ... and repeating over and over again - please come home.

he did. he came home. but not until i tortured myself like that for 2.5 hours.

what a humbling experience .... to truly feel how we really control nothing .... and the truly fragile nature of our existence. and how grotesque - to feel so much complacency in the world at large.

what a trippy week this has been. my project is finished - finally. i can breathe again.

XOX

roxanne