Life and death...choices and regrets, part I of II

Between being at the hospital all day with my mom on Tuesday (she had her dialysis port implanted), and preparing for a storm this weekend- my minutes have not been my own this week-

I''m sorry I left you all hanging!

While my arm is much better I think there might be some nerve endings in need of further recovery- it remains tender, but fully functional. I'm cool as long as I don't bump the elbow, or lean on it. I will go see an ortho Dr. if it's not completely better by next week.
(and honestly, what a metaphore for my life at the moment!!! WOW!)

The thoughts swirling around in my head are like long strands of pasta in a tangled sticky mess. One thought slips into another, loops around, intersects with yet another idea, and this makes it hard for me to pull out one thought- one fact- or one point I feel I need to make. (and not necessarily a point I need to make for you- dear readers- but mostly for my own sake!)

Olive oil is what I usually drizzle on my spaghetti to get the kinks out, and I suppose writing is the equivalent of what's needed here? Let's hope so :)

My mom said something on Tuesday that shook me, and it wasn't "what" she said, as much as it was the "way" she said it. She made an off-hand comment to a nurse who was caring for her with such a tone of finality and regret that I almost wept.
"I always wanted to live at the beach~"
I know it doesn't sound like much, but knowing my mom as I do, I know this was a dream she's always had. I know now she also thinks she will die in this city. My heart ached for her, but the ache quickly turned into an alarm for myself. I wondered if one day I would have similar resignations and regret?

I've yet to cross very many significant points in my life where I know there is "no going back."

The biggest thing I've done which can not be undone was having my tubes tied. I knew after my daughter was born I had brought all the life into the world I could handle. That's not to say I've never had moments of regret about not being able to have another baby...but I knew it was the right choice for me. I marvel at friends in their mid 30's to early 40's who are just now beginning their families, while I'm sending mine to high shcool and talking about colleges.

However, this place...THIS CITY I live in- is the city I've lived in for as long as I can remember. It's not a bad place, but it's NOT the town I want to die in. For years I have wanted to live elsewhere, but because of the community, and the kids schools, work, and church, I've found reasons to stay put. As my ties here lessen (unless I decide to run for a public office), my reasons for being here become fewer and fewer. If I decide at some point I want to live at the beach, I promise you- I will move to the beach! (or as close to it as I can afford :)
I'm even entertaining the idea of renting a place for a year and taking mom there (as long as we have a dialysis center- we're good!) so she can "live" at the beach, if only for a little while.
We'll see-

There are more noodles to unthread- but for now I'll stop and post.

I hope to have a laid back blogger weekend where I'll get to each of your pages and leave pithy comments- and I'll try to do it before I mix up the Mojitos...or not! lol~

Have a safe weekend if you are in the path of a hurricane or tropical storm- and I look forward to reading all of you soon :)


***K9- thank you for your last comment. My sister was fussing at me yesterday for not continuing to be on the PTA- and for not trying to upstage the local Mayor! LOL :)
My next post will cover some hot topics, but hopefuly with all the grace and care I can muster.
Hugs friend :)