Friday, September 05, 2008

Life and death...choices and regrets, part I of II

Between being at the hospital all day with my mom on Tuesday (she had her dialysis port implanted), and preparing for a storm this weekend- my minutes have not been my own this week-

I''m sorry I left you all hanging!

While my arm is much better I think there might be some nerve endings in need of further recovery- it remains tender, but fully functional. I'm cool as long as I don't bump the elbow, or lean on it. I will go see an ortho Dr. if it's not completely better by next week.
(and honestly, what a metaphore for my life at the moment!!! WOW!)

The thoughts swirling around in my head are like long strands of pasta in a tangled sticky mess. One thought slips into another, loops around, intersects with yet another idea, and this makes it hard for me to pull out one thought- one fact- or one point I feel I need to make. (and not necessarily a point I need to make for you- dear readers- but mostly for my own sake!)

Olive oil is what I usually drizzle on my spaghetti to get the kinks out, and I suppose writing is the equivalent of what's needed here? Let's hope so :)

My mom said something on Tuesday that shook me, and it wasn't "what" she said, as much as it was the "way" she said it. She made an off-hand comment to a nurse who was caring for her with such a tone of finality and regret that I almost wept.
"I always wanted to live at the beach~"
I know it doesn't sound like much, but knowing my mom as I do, I know this was a dream she's always had. I know now she also thinks she will die in this city. My heart ached for her, but the ache quickly turned into an alarm for myself. I wondered if one day I would have similar resignations and regret?

I've yet to cross very many significant points in my life where I know there is "no going back."

The biggest thing I've done which can not be undone was having my tubes tied. I knew after my daughter was born I had brought all the life into the world I could handle. That's not to say I've never had moments of regret about not being able to have another baby...but I knew it was the right choice for me. I marvel at friends in their mid 30's to early 40's who are just now beginning their families, while I'm sending mine to high shcool and talking about colleges.

However, this place...THIS CITY I live in- is the city I've lived in for as long as I can remember. It's not a bad place, but it's NOT the town I want to die in. For years I have wanted to live elsewhere, but because of the community, and the kids schools, work, and church, I've found reasons to stay put. As my ties here lessen (unless I decide to run for a public office), my reasons for being here become fewer and fewer. If I decide at some point I want to live at the beach, I promise you- I will move to the beach! (or as close to it as I can afford :)
I'm even entertaining the idea of renting a place for a year and taking mom there (as long as we have a dialysis center- we're good!) so she can "live" at the beach, if only for a little while.
We'll see-

There are more noodles to unthread- but for now I'll stop and post.

I hope to have a laid back blogger weekend where I'll get to each of your pages and leave pithy comments- and I'll try to do it before I mix up the Mojitos...or not! lol~

Have a safe weekend if you are in the path of a hurricane or tropical storm- and I look forward to reading all of you soon :)

***K9- thank you for your last comment. My sister was fussing at me yesterday for not continuing to be on the PTA- and for not trying to upstage the local Mayor! LOL :)
My next post will cover some hot topics, but hopefuly with all the grace and care I can muster.
Hugs friend :)


/t. said...

oh mayden,
you are lovely!

but we should never
regret doing what is right

i hope you -- your mom -- find your place at the beach


iamnot said...

I'm out of time to write...sorry.
I'll get back here when I can.

Take care.

Midsummerprism said...

I think the renting a beach place for a year is a good idea.

And well, I've been pretty much having the same thoughts as always say "oh' I'm sure some day I can do this or go there or have this..."

Then again what if i don't? Which regret is too much of a regret coz' when it comes to regrets i regret to say I've got lots of terribly regretful stuff to painfully's a candy jar of "why the hell did I do that or didn't do that?" I'm the queen of regrets...if there ever is one..Heavy crown to wear...

And it's odd that I was thinking along the same lines about kids. Should I have had more? Was i selfish in life..too selfish to have had reasonings why i stopped with two when there were times my husband and even people around me were prodding me for at least one more...

we all have questions...

I hope your injured arm heals well. I hope the sun shines brighter and the skies turn bluer in your part of the world..

Take care.

foam said...

first of all..
i'm glad that your arm is continuing to improve..

2nd of all ..
when you started talking olive oil and kinks ..
well, never mind..
i won't say where my mind went..

i hope your mother is continuing to improve from her surgery. it will take time, i know.

and i don't even want to get into regrets ..
my mother last year realized that she might never be able to visit germany again..
it broke my heart..

hunker down, stay dry and don't let any winds blow you away, mayden fair. a few hannah bands have shown up out here. but we should only get some minor rain.. perhaps some 10 mile per hour winds tomorrow. nothing major at all.

SJ said...

Yes I am doing well.

And the thought spaghetti is so familiar to me. Lot of things I can identify with not the tubes part of course :)

I wish your mother and you lots of luck and strength and health.

K9 said...

mayden! the storm is right over you!! i think you might find it fun. i know you do.

i agree 100% on your plan to rent the place at the beach. that is one of the most thoughtful and cool gifts you could give your mom -and yourself. do it. do it do it. there will be a million reasons why you cant but it is truly inspired.

youre a sweet and loving daughter. remembering you both in prayer.

Helene (aka Kate) said...

you wrote: "My heart ached for her, but the ache quickly turned into an alarm for myself. I wondered if one day I would have similar resignations and regret?" That even tugged on my heartstrings... I love the idea about taking your mom to the beach for a bit... what about even taking her to Tims parents for a while.. Its so tough to see your parents go through this process! How did things work out with your brother?

If only a sprinkle of olive oil would do the trick...

NYD said...

I am glad that you still take the time to post and to visit.

Regrets will always be part and parcel of life, but if you get the opportunity to eliminate a few; you should take the leap.

ThursdayNext said...

Cora, no regrets my dear. You have beautiful children, a beautiful family, and a beautiful gift for writing.

Thinking of your mom...I will say a prayer for her.

X. Dell said...

Hmmm. I wish I could offer magic words that would make the anxiety of this moment go away, but I have none. I think I can understand what you're going through (the fractured elbow, i can definitely relate to--I've broken so many bones, I'm surprised they're not all powder now).

It seems to me that these aren't really life-changing times but rather life-defining times, times where you know that things won't be the same as they were before. Moreover, how you feel about yourself has probably changed in degree, if not in quality.

Something inside me knows that you will be fine for quite some time. But spending that year on the beach might be what life's really about.

As William Saroyan would say, in the time of your life, live.

Little Lamb said...

Such thought provoking stuff.

Little Lamb said...

Mayden, you now have pink hair.

The Phosgene Kid said...

Hope mom is doing ok, I feel stuck here and miss the woods.

Skunkfeathers said...

One good visit deserves reciprosity ;)

I think that's a woid.

Where and when possible, follow your dreams. If a year on the beach is it, it's yours to grasp.

Best wishes to your mom, to you and yours.


frizzy scissorhands said...

hope you're well ... remember the light is where you walk.

Helene (aka Kate) said...

thinking of you!!!

The Phosgene Kid said...

Hope your mom is doing well and you all are high and dry!

Effortlessly Average said...

Well if writing doesn't manage the untangling, you could always drizzle olive oil all over yourself. Then send me pictures of it. lol

The Phosgene Kid said...

Bring her out here. Lots of beach. No water, but miles of beach.