Thursday, January 28, 2016


Today was an odd day-
After an ice storm, and a quick trip to Savannah for an expo- and meeting wonderful people and having a marvelous time...this afternoon I found my self weeping in the car all the way home from work.
I think they call it "let-down".
I am on the verge of doing big things with the company I work for.  I am about to buy MY own home in the middle of a beautiful forest.  My daughter has been very sick- but I think we have it narrowed down to gallstones and kidney stones (poor kid- both at once!).   My divorce was final in December.  My mom's birthday is on Monday and the ache I have over missing her is really beyond description.
I have multiple story ideas for children's books bubbling and shouting for attention in the back of my mind, but all I can focus on now is writing contracts for new clients, and working with corporations for their business, and trying to come up with an extra 5k for closing on my home.  (Money is coming, but tied up in the courts at the moment.)
Add to this my heart...someone I love beyond description is under an enormous burden.  I want to swoop in and fix what can not be fixed, heal what can not be healed, and add love to a heart over come with grief.   His heart is like a sponge filled to the brim- and it just can't absorb too much more.
My love for him is like nothing I've experienced in a long long time.

My life is kind of like a central train station.   Engines and carts are being moved into place, but nothing is coupled yet.  I have at least 12 things which need to connect- and they are coming together, but for now- all feels like chaos.
I don't like chaos.
I remember reading about it in Paradise Lost- "Chaos rules a realm of confusion on the edges of Hell"
Yes...that is the place where I reside at the moment.  It is as unlovely as it sounds.
Sigh.   The smart thing to do is keep my head down, like the work horse I am, and keep moving forward.  Plowing the field until all that needs to be done is completed.   The desire of my heart is to skip out to the beach for the next 12 days and sit in the sun- and at this time of year it's pretty cold unless I am going to florida.   Or the caribbean.  (my imagination is getting expensive!)
Or just stop.
Being still is not easy for me...
Which is why I have some sneaking suspicion that is what I am actually supposed to be doing.
Kind of like the end of a yoga class- where we all lay down on our mats and breathe.   No matter what poses we did, or how hard they were for me to conform to...that last 5 to 10 minutes of being still is the biggest challenge.   And the best reward.
Everything is going to work out.   The money will come.   The house will be mine.   I will be on 5 acres of heaven in a place no one can find me unless I give them the address.   I will pause, and unpack, and shift my mindset to my books- but right now I am on a pitiful boat carrying me across the sea of confusion and near the edge of hell- white knuckling my journey all the way.   What I should be doing is laying down, and remembering how to breathe.  
Why is that so difficult?
My daughter texts me every now and then and simply says..."Breathe mom...breathe."

She knows me so well.


Roxanne said...

Love. Love. Love. You.

Blue said...

I love you too!