Sunday, March 30, 2008

Time is a double edged sword

Most of us live our lives in a long chain of monotony with bejeweled moments interspersed adding color, texture, sparkle, and value. I think of a charm bracelet, or a necklace, with stones or trinkets irregularly placed as I consider my own life. My marriage is signified by an emerald, the birth of my children as diamonds, and the various close friends I have are brightly polished jewels which reflect myself as well as having their own color and shape.

Our "Chain" is also marked by weak links and damage from wear and tear. There are settings where precious stones have fallen out- leaving an empty casing. Some things lost can not be replaced. There are also trinkets added that we thought were 14k gold, only to find they were electroplated bits of raw metal that left a smudge on our skin..."fake stuff"- and we learn over time how to tell the difference between GOLD and Gold Plated.
What I struggle with tonight are the places in the chain where it's clear some links are missing, or coming apart. Not only in my own life, but in lives near and dear to me, I see bits of the chain coming undone and I wonder how it can ever be repaired. I wonder how, when irreplaceable links are lost, how can we be whole again? I know there is a way, and I know that it takes time, but I am unable to fathom the process, and much less able to describe it. I'm only aware of the old adage about Time healing many things. I dare not say it heals everything though.

One of the most frustrating things about a life threatening illness and the care we receive in the hospital is the TIME it takes to get answers and make decisions. I have a well balanced internal clock, but today at the hospital I kept having to look at my phone to see what time it was. My day was marked not by minutes, but by each push of a ventilator and by beeps on a machine used to monitor various body functions- even when I left K's room. Now, miles from her, sitting in my own house I know how her time is being marked.

Questions remain---tough questions with no easy or simple answers, and when decisions are made...links in the chain of many lives will be altered. For a time- TIME itself will morph into a creature that runs like a rabbit, or drags along like a turtle with no place in particular to go. Days will blend into nights, and moonlight back into sunshine with little or no notice by those who grieve and feel something irreplaceable is slipping through their fingers.
Right now all we can do is wait. Wait for direction, clarity and wisdom. Wait for a sign of recovery, or a sign to let go. We wait to discover if time is our foe, or if he is a healer- knowing full well he is both.

Thanks to each of you for your care, thoughts and prayers- both the spoken and unspoken ones. I appreciate your being here with me in this particular journey. Hugs and love to all of you...especially you- my dear friend- if you are reading this. I love you more than I can ever say and it is an honor to walk beside you. Sweet friend...I treasure you with all my heart.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

Shadows fall~

It's happening now...
My best friend's sister- has had a stroke and a major brain bleed this morning. She's being air-lifted to our local hospital for emergency surgery- things don't look good.

K has been struggling with a brain tumor for almost a year now- and she's young- in her 30's with 3 kids.
My best friend's heart is simply broken...and my heart for her~
Thoughts and prayers for strength for the family now is all I can ask for.
And I'd ask you to hug someone you love today- hug them twice- once for me.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

"Final Soliloquy of the Interior Paramour"

Do you remember the feeling the first time you saw the ocean, or looked out of the window of a plane? How about the first time you tasted something and it became your favorite food- or favorite wine? Or even more profoundly- do you remember the moment you fell in love?

This poem is amazing to me. It stirred up feelings and images I can barely describe-it made me think of the elderly couple I met at breakfast a few months made me long to be in a quiet place in the arms of a loved one. I read it, and read it, and read it again- and when I read it out loud- it was as if a spell was broken, or perhaps a spell was cast?
I had to share it~
Move over Dylan Thomas...Wallace Stevens has arrived :)

Final Soliloquy of the Interior Paramour

Light the first light of evening, as in a room
In which we rest and, for small reason, think
The world imagined is the ultimate good.

This is, therefore, the intensest rendezvous.
It is in that thought that we collect ourselves,
Out of all the indifferences, into one thing:

Within a single thing, a single shawl
Wrapped tightly round us, since we are poor, a warmth,
A light, a power, the miraculous influence.

Here, now, we forget each other and ourselves.
We feel the obscurity of an order, a whole,
A knowledge, that which arranged the rendezvous.

Within its vital boundary, in the mind.
We say God and the imagination are one...
How high that highest candle lights the dark.

Out of this same light, out of the central mind,
We make a dwelling in the evening air,
In which being there together is enough.

Wallace Stevens

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Now I lay me down to sleep...

My Mom is not well- her kidney function continues to drop. Other things spin out of my conrol...
At times I feel I'm in a tornado of sorts...being picked up and tossed like a little rag doll on a mighty wind. Or like that poor cow in the Twister movies (or whatever it was called)- MOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Today, at my mom's house, I discovered a treasure trove of memories in an old suitcase. She gave me permission to bring it home and sort through the 60+ years of memories stored inside.

I was totally blown away~

One letter, written from my Great Uncle JT Boyce, to his father, in August of 1945- was written from his father, my Great, Great Grandfather- "Thornton Norfleet Boyce"- during WWII!
The letter said: August 5th, 1945

"Dear Daddy,

"It's raining in Manila tonight but it is a welcome change from so much dust and heat. I'm well and getting along fine, but I miss the US and Mid (his wife) especially. My mail hasn't caught up with me and I'll be glad when it does. We have these shifts here when I work. We rotate each week... (the rest left out for personal reasons)

The food here is good for the Army but I could use something cold to drink. After a while I think we will get more ice. It doesn't look like the Japs can hold out much longer but you can't be to sure. I hope you are well and getting along ik. I've been here since Jlu 15th. I told you I flew all the way from the States, didn't I?


I've been in touch with my great Uncle JT over the last few years...lucky me- he is 91 and still as sharp as ever. I copied the letter and envelope and mailed it to him this seemed like the least I could do.

I wonder what he will think of this letter being in my care...of all the nieces or cousins...or whoever that would have written to him over the years- it seems interesting that 24 years before I was born he would pen this note- and then live long enough to know me...and I would find his letter to my great grandfather...

I don't believe in "coincidences"- this letter found me for a reason...if only to send it back to it's original author.

Nor do I believe I have "found" any of you by "conincidence" either- Love you...all of you...I will write as soon as I can...I promise.

Tuesday, March 04, 2008