Sunday, March 30, 2008
Time is a double edged sword
Most of us live our lives in a long chain of monotony with bejeweled moments interspersed adding color, texture, sparkle, and value. I think of a charm bracelet, or a necklace, with stones or trinkets irregularly placed as I consider my own life. My marriage is signified by an emerald, the birth of my children as diamonds, and the various close friends I have are brightly polished jewels which reflect myself as well as having their own color and shape.
Our "Chain" is also marked by weak links and damage from wear and tear. There are settings where precious stones have fallen out- leaving an empty casing. Some things lost can not be replaced. There are also trinkets added that we thought were 14k gold, only to find they were electroplated bits of raw metal that left a smudge on our skin..."fake stuff"- and we learn over time how to tell the difference between GOLD and Gold Plated.
What I struggle with tonight are the places in the chain where it's clear some links are missing, or coming apart. Not only in my own life, but in lives near and dear to me, I see bits of the chain coming undone and I wonder how it can ever be repaired. I wonder how, when irreplaceable links are lost, how can we be whole again? I know there is a way, and I know that it takes time, but I am unable to fathom the process, and much less able to describe it. I'm only aware of the old adage about Time healing many things. I dare not say it heals everything though.
One of the most frustrating things about a life threatening illness and the care we receive in the hospital is the TIME it takes to get answers and make decisions. I have a well balanced internal clock, but today at the hospital I kept having to look at my phone to see what time it was. My day was marked not by minutes, but by each push of a ventilator and by beeps on a machine used to monitor various body functions- even when I left K's room. Now, miles from her, sitting in my own house I know how her time is being marked.
Questions remain---tough questions with no easy or simple answers, and when decisions are made...links in the chain of many lives will be altered. For a time- TIME itself will morph into a creature that runs like a rabbit, or drags along like a turtle with no place in particular to go. Days will blend into nights, and moonlight back into sunshine with little or no notice by those who grieve and feel something irreplaceable is slipping through their fingers.
Right now all we can do is wait. Wait for direction, clarity and wisdom. Wait for a sign of recovery, or a sign to let go. We wait to discover if time is our foe, or if he is a healer- knowing full well he is both.
Thanks to each of you for your care, thoughts and prayers- both the spoken and unspoken ones. I appreciate your being here with me in this particular journey. Hugs and love to all of you...especially you- my dear friend- if you are reading this. I love you more than I can ever say and it is an honor to walk beside you. Sweet friend...I treasure you with all my heart.