Sunday, March 30, 2008

Time is a double edged sword

Most of us live our lives in a long chain of monotony with bejeweled moments interspersed adding color, texture, sparkle, and value. I think of a charm bracelet, or a necklace, with stones or trinkets irregularly placed as I consider my own life. My marriage is signified by an emerald, the birth of my children as diamonds, and the various close friends I have are brightly polished jewels which reflect myself as well as having their own color and shape.

Our "Chain" is also marked by weak links and damage from wear and tear. There are settings where precious stones have fallen out- leaving an empty casing. Some things lost can not be replaced. There are also trinkets added that we thought were 14k gold, only to find they were electroplated bits of raw metal that left a smudge on our skin..."fake stuff"- and we learn over time how to tell the difference between GOLD and Gold Plated.
What I struggle with tonight are the places in the chain where it's clear some links are missing, or coming apart. Not only in my own life, but in lives near and dear to me, I see bits of the chain coming undone and I wonder how it can ever be repaired. I wonder how, when irreplaceable links are lost, how can we be whole again? I know there is a way, and I know that it takes time, but I am unable to fathom the process, and much less able to describe it. I'm only aware of the old adage about Time healing many things. I dare not say it heals everything though.

One of the most frustrating things about a life threatening illness and the care we receive in the hospital is the TIME it takes to get answers and make decisions. I have a well balanced internal clock, but today at the hospital I kept having to look at my phone to see what time it was. My day was marked not by minutes, but by each push of a ventilator and by beeps on a machine used to monitor various body functions- even when I left K's room. Now, miles from her, sitting in my own house I know how her time is being marked.

Questions remain---tough questions with no easy or simple answers, and when decisions are made...links in the chain of many lives will be altered. For a time- TIME itself will morph into a creature that runs like a rabbit, or drags along like a turtle with no place in particular to go. Days will blend into nights, and moonlight back into sunshine with little or no notice by those who grieve and feel something irreplaceable is slipping through their fingers.
Right now all we can do is wait. Wait for direction, clarity and wisdom. Wait for a sign of recovery, or a sign to let go. We wait to discover if time is our foe, or if he is a healer- knowing full well he is both.

Thanks to each of you for your care, thoughts and prayers- both the spoken and unspoken ones. I appreciate your being here with me in this particular journey. Hugs and love to all of you...especially you- my dear friend- if you are reading this. I love you more than I can ever say and it is an honor to walk beside you. Sweet friend...I treasure you with all my heart.


ThursdayNext said...

Cora, you touch upon a difficult paradox when it comes to time - is it our foe or our healer? How can it be both? Alas, it is. I always think of Thornton Wilder and "Our Town" when Emily bursts out to the narrator her frustration about people taking time for granted. The narrator replies the saints and poets do some...well, I think you are a saint and a poet, Cora. I lack the saint part, but as a poet, I try so hard to value each moment. It still doesnt work all of the time...because, well, time can also be cruel...such as waiting for answers when a loved one is sick. Who wants to stay in that moment?

My hugs and heart go out to you this morning...

Gnomeself Be True said...

Sending strength....

NYD said...

You are right in saying that time does not heal all wounds.
That there are worn spots in the chain is not a problem if you don't pull too hard on those particular links.

Do what you can. Smile with your eyes. Tell those who matter most that you love them.
Hope the get the message.

darkfoam said...

well, with time the link that appears to be missing sometimes is found in unexpected places again.
.. in the smile of the child ..
the twinkle in an eye, a gesture..
and within the hearts of those who loved the person.
it might take a while. times does not necessarily heal everything, but with the passage of time 'loss' becomes easier to deal with and to accept.
sending love your way, cora..

sparringK9 said...

oh mayden. love to you and your friend. remembering you in my thoughts and prayers.

X. Dell said...

Your friend is lucky that you're there for her when her sister had this happen to her. I agree, the uncertainty is th most nerve-wracking part, and it causes the greatest degree of stress--mostly because if we know something concretely, then that allows us to take action.

While time alone doesn't heal all wounds, or even wound all heels, nothing healthy or meaningful comes without time. That it's dragging along and playing this antagonistic role might be an example of ime's tough love.

boneman said...

i think your sky pictures are fitting.
Hope all improves however it may.

Lady Prism said...

What a beautiful post Cora. And how "timely" for me to read this today. I too am reminiscing about time. I too have a few things in my heart. I too have questions.

My prayers are with you in everything that you are experiencing Cora. You are in my heart.

leelee said...

HUGS!! what a beautiful post always sending thoughts and prayers..

exskindiver said...

hi cora,
hugs to you and to your friend.

The Phosgene Kid said...

Yikes! Hope you are ok.

You know what would make you feel better is to go to that beaver pond in your picture and do some fishing. Bet there's a nice big bass in there somewhere. Fishing really helps reforge some of those links.