Wednesday, July 16, 2008


I haven't done this,---"Running"...but I do dream about it.

Mom will probably start dialysis in the fall.

75% of patients who start dialysis over the age of 50 only live about 5 years : (
Mom is 58.
I am 39~
Old enough to understand what I'm facing- and young enough to want to run. As if that would solve anything.

My kids are great, and with the exception of my father- my family loves me. Sometimes life throws tough stuff at us...

We head into the waterfall and hope for the best. Either we will drown on the way down, or we come out swimming in muddy water.

Muddy Water- is.

She jumped in her truck and drove away-
Her rear-view mirror reflecting pain,
The house, good kids, and those 3 darn cats-
But Sting blared in the speakers, “She ain’t never comin’ back”.

It wasn’t the man- or dishes she was running from,
Or her angry father, or dying Mom-
Or the bills to be paid, or her lack of free time…
She just couldn’t quiet her frenzied mind.

Many choices made before seeing the whole map,
Now with hundreds of eyes all watching her back.
Some always thought she was “too good to be true”,
But a handful knew how deep she was bruised.

An ache that went to the core of her soul-
An ache pills and prayer couldn’t seem to control.
A pain that pumped fresh with every beat of her heart,
Where did it come from, how did it start?

Down I-40 she tore up the road,
Despite she had nothing- and no place to go.
She fled for the deep south, as if it could save her-
She would stop at the ocean…maybe she’d hide there.

Hide in a palm tree? Work in a bar?
Make wishes on some falling star?
Running was crazy- and suddenly she knew it…
She had to go back, but how could she do it?

She’d been gone for a while, 3 hours max-
But no one even noticed she’d left…
The Man at work, and the kids playing games-
She walked in- and nothing had changed.

At 7 pm, martini’s were stirred-
She had 3- and went to bed blurred-
Woke the next morning…wanting Palm Coast-
And found herself aching- but safely at home.

How long? You might ask…till she runs again?
Jumps in her truck- and let's her wheels spin?
Will the pain surge, or will it finally ease?

I simply don’t know- I must wait and see…


boneman said...

as usual, statistics....
That there's a saying that goes, "87% of all statistics are made up on the spot" is somewhat accurate.
My good friend, Billie Joe Finton has been doing the dialysis for twelve years (maybe longer, as I had lost touch with her husband Ray for a while.
She's taken quite a hit.
Diabetic, they won't give her a part because she smokes, glaucoma bad enough she wears sunglasses if the Sun shines in her house too much, wheel chair most places if there's a distance to travel.
Then again, Ray goes out of his way to take her where ever she wants, when they tried the machine at home (three times a week) he tried to do the poke and work. Finally caught up with him, so she's back to the hospital....three times a week.
Everyone is different.
Don't start digging the hole out back till there's a need for it, gal.
Some folks'll surprise even the medical 'experts'....

Unknown said...

I wish your mother all the best.

Lance said...

Same here. Wishing your Mom God's blessing.

Mayden' s Voyage said...

Thanks Boneman...
I'm not digging any holes- I promise- for mom or for myself.
It is true that there are patients who've been on dialysis for 30 years and live a fairly normal life. I'll hang on to that~
Hugs <3

SJ- Hugs and thanks to you too~

Lance- Thank you- I appreciate your prayers.

..................... said...

my best wishes to your mom, mayden fair.
and, hey ..
i'm a good swimmer .. i can plow my way through muddy waters. just know that i'll be swimming right along besides you.

Gnomeself Be True said...

Well sweet Mayden, I can certainly understand the urge to run.
I used to tell people not to. I used to tell them that when they got where they were going, there'd still be the same person in the mirror looking back at them.
I'm not as sure of that as I used to be.

leelee said...

Running won't work Mayden..believe me..I know.. ~sigh~

One foot in front of the other...put yourself on auto-pilot and know that everything is just as it's supposed to be..and sometimes that sucks.

It gets better...I promise.

You and your family remain in my thoughts and prayers!


X. Dell said...

I shall hope for the best, with respect to your mom.

At the same time, I wouldn't assume that you will suffer from the same maladies as she. You can only do your best to guard against them. And the future for neither of you is set in stone.

So, courage, friend.

I understand the running thing. At a certain point in life, most of us (the sane ones, at least) feel like doing it. We all handle it differently. I have faith that you'll handle this as best as anyone can.

boneman said...

so, did I miss something? Or is it just stuck on a star?
In your blog description, you seem to be missing an 'R'
or did you mean to point out your skin tone?
I mean, not that it's any business of my head bone.

Aunty Belle said...

Hey Puddin'. Looky, Mama is in good hands ultimately--an' 'spect she will be wif' ya good long while.

runnin? ...Well, I is in favor of runnin'. Controlled runnin.' Heered of a controlled burn? somethin like that might be a good thang onc't ever 5-7 yrs.

Arrange fer kids to sleepover wif S-i-L, put hubby on auto -pilot, and go visit a friend or spend a couple of days a quaint B&B, read books, take long walks, write poems...when fambly asks "why?" tell 'em the truth (age appropriate of course).

Prayers fer ya Sweet Pea.

Anonymous said...

<3 <3 <3


NYD said...

Hmmmmm. It seems to me that you said you'd be takin a break. It is starting to look like you really need one.

I have always liked the way you draw your posts from the depths of your heart and let us know exactly how you are feeling. Happy or bruised or content or perturbed you have kept us in tune with the flow of your spirit.

Keep thing flowing and avoid stagnation. Ignore statistics; they are for the masses. Believe that you are special and that the path you are blazing has been chosen especially for you.

and I know a certain person who would give you one more piece of advice...Stay STOMPY!

roxanne s. sukhan said...

running ...? my dear, to where? run only to yourself. its there you will find the strength and courage to keep going.


Lady Prism said...

Oh' Cora, everything will settle to into a peaceful pace somehow someday'll see...

I've done a lot of running away....matter of fact since I was 7...Today..well..sometimes I still want to run away..but just as Frizzy says.."to where?"....

Take care...

Mayden' s Voyage said...

Foamy- I know you are a good swimmer, and it is comforting to me to know in the muddy waters- I have a friend who understands exactly how I feel. Thank you :)

Mr. I amnot- hmmm. You give me something big to chew on when you suggest that time and circumstances have made you less sure about standing firm. I do agree that wherever I go- I will still be me and will have to deal with whatever my internal issues are; however- a great many of the struggles I'm dealing with are external, and removing myself from them (even for a short period of time) I think would help. I will be working on it- and thank you for your input here.

Hugs Leelee :) Auto-pilot it is~ and a good dose of gratitude for all the things in my life that are roght and good. I think my next post will be about just that! hit on the most personal (and not directly mentioned) part of this post- and while it does not surprise me that you picked up on it- it is, in fact, the thing that terrifies me.
My maternal grandmother died at 58-with a host of complications from Asthma to diabetes- and her heart simply stopped beating one night when she went to sleep.
Her mother died with diabetes, and now my mom is in decline because of the same thing.
It would be an understatement for me to say I'm seeing the handwriting on the wall...but you are correct- nothing is set in stone, and I am making significant changes now to avoid the sugar issues in the future. I suppose I should be thankful, rather than fearful, for the dire warning. It is not going unheeded. Thanks for your insightful comment here... it reflects sweetly on our friendship- and I appreciate that.

Boneman- missing an R? I don't see it~

Aunty...a controled burn? I will defintiely ponder that. Hugs and thank you for your email. I will be in touch :)

/t...xoxoxox <3 <3 <3 (and she whispers "thank you" ;)

NYD- "Believe that you are special and that the path you are blazing has been chosen especially for you." Thank have no idea how many times that sentence has rolled through my mind in the last 2 days- or what a difference it made in some of the choices I made. Thank you- your thoughts made a difference and gave me a new perspective about some things :)

Beloved Frizzy- the one who knows better than I about I will take your advice here :) Being "centered" wherever I go and in all that I do is important. I am responsible for my own happiness. I am responsible for my own health. I have to take care of me first- to be able to help take care of others...
sigh- I needed to be reminded of those things- thank you :)

Lux- Thank you friend- yes...peace will come- it's here now- on this quiet sunday morning in my empty house. Wish you were here~

Lt. Colonel Maximum Damage said...

i know a getaway place in the woods