Saturday, June 04, 2016

Be careful what you wish for-

Over Ten years here...Might be time for something new?

I am not sure...I wander around here in these lovely hallways and tiny rooms- and I see a decade of work, love, huge losses, and re-building at an age when some of my friends are talking about retirement in 5 years.

5 more years?  Holy cow- I can hardly imagine where I will be in 5 years.   Actually, that is a complete and utter lie.  I am almost where I want to be in 5 years.  If my home had a hot tub or pool (hot tub is coming I do believe)- all I would pray for is a partner.

Actually.  I DO pray for that partner.  I know him.  I love him. I want him in my day to day life.  It will happen, but not now.   I am very blessed to know his name, address, phone number- etc ♥   Our lives intersect at certain places, but the bond is big and tight- enough to get us through to the other side.    I can not tell you how much I love him because the words have not been invented yet.  I might have to work on that.

Until then- this home maker of 20+ years is in new territory.   Single, out in an enchanted forest, surrounded by more blooms and bees (not my honey bees yet- sad face) and gorgeousness than I can ever explain or describe...with a lot of time on my hands to be exactly where I have hoped, and prayed, and dreamed I would be.

"Be careful what you wish for"- Mr. Gene Wilder once said, "it might come true."

What a funny notion.   There are so many many things I have spoken into reality, much like a farmer planting seeds in his garden- tiny little words disappear into the soil- which need to be watered, and weeded, and given time in the sunshine.   Then they actually bloom!

I think of K-9- and being in her stunning part of the world right after my mom died.  It was such a haven for me.  Chickens, plants, NO grease down the drain...recycle and burn what you can.  Trips to the dump were a way of life.   I NOW live that life.   Who knew that experience would mark me so deeply, so completely?   No, I am not at the foot of a mountain, but all I am missing is the stream out here in deep woods of North Carolina.   I am home.  At least, I am home for now.

And that last sentence brings me to the true vortex of everything I am feeling and thinking this weekend.   "At least, I am home for now".

Home means different things to everyone.   In the best sense it is the place you grew up, and had friends, and loved deeply, and it gave you good roots.   No matter where you were transplanted, and believe me, there are SO many transplants close to me, your "home" built you, and gives you something to fall back on.  Perhaps Home for some was a place of terror and a place to flee from?  For me, HOME should be a place of safety, even if there is discord, you should be able to sleep soundly and without fear of danger.   If nothing else, your bed should be a haven or sorts.  It was for me.

The cherry on my Sundae is a hoard of books with my name on them, and making enough money to not have to work at Bo'Jangles as a manager to cover my mortgage.   I am no where near that being a reality, but sometimes I slip into a fear mode and think- omg...what if?   What if this goes sideways?

The worst fear is, "What if I am a fraud?"   or, "What if I am wasting my time?"  Or- am I going to manage being 80?
Lord-as if I will live that long- lol!

You know what- really?  This all boils down to one big ego trip..."What if no one likes me?"

It's easy to be someone special when you have a crowd around you cheering your name.  I have single handedly eliminated the crowd.   Well, some in the crowd died, but I can't count them.  I do miss them though.

Ten years.   Wow.   I have come a long way baby.  Maybe down a long winding- and out of the way- path, but it has still been a long way!

Love to you all... I will be back, in some form or another.   Might be a fun idea to make this place a secret known only to the ones near my roots?
Perhaps so.


1 comment:

Roxanne said...

I have as many years, though unsettled and scattered about across the inter webs like stars across the sky. With no one place to show for all my blogging years. Because I keep building, then tearing down and rebuilding.

I wish for a living that is truly my own and not all about making someone else's. Truth be told, it tires me so that I feel like there's little left for me at the end of it all. It leaves me questioning the point of it all. And that is my heart break. I only want to grow my terrace garden, write, make websites and illustrations and art for people. And love on my cats, who love me when I feel most unlovable. For I feel that is what the Creator made me to do. *sigh* <3