Thursday, March 18, 2010

Grief, and the beauty therein~

Grief is a love word.

I ran into someone yesterday who I haven't seen in over 18 years...a someone with whom I carry a sad and unresolved issue from our teens.  An issue which had life changing implications and shaped me profoundly.   We've done a marvelous job of avoiding each other, and on the rare occasion when I did see him at a distance we'd sort of nod and go our seperate ways.   I have wanted to have a long conversation with this person for some time, but neither of us were able.   Yesterday, by the queerest chance imaginable I saw him, and while I was prepared to "nod and run"- he actually called me out...and wonder of wonders- even hugged me.

For a moment I stood in front of him almost speechless.   An agonizing heartbreak of 24 years sped to the surface with the force of a missle, or projectile of some kind...black, warped, hot, and pushing forward, up out of the depths of me.   I assumed that kind of depth only existed in outer space and I was stunned to discover how that sort of space could exist in me.   I can not fully express what it was like.

We spoke in general terms, and yet at one point I saw tears in his eyes when he expressed a personal thought.  He made a confession.  He asked me to stay in touch with him.  It was like I was talking to a completely different man.   I guess time and the Marine Corp will do that to a person.   Grief changed me. A grief so deep and wide it nearly swallowed me whole- so very long ago.

In the span of 12 minutes, standing in a grocery store, a long overdue healing process had begun.  

I felt waves of grief wash over me.  Loss, hurt, suffering, guilt, shame, remorse...those things were there too, but above all was grief, but more importantly, it was a shared grief.   Suddenly the burden, the secret sack of shit I've carried for so many years alone, was lifted, and shared.  

The beauty of grief is that it's devoid of hate.  We don't grieve over things we loathe, only over the things we love.  Hate would have stunted my growth.  Hate would have made the things I suffered in vain.  Hate would have kept me silent when I needed to speak out and help others who found themselves in my same situation.   Hate would have turned on me and eaten me from the inside out.
Love allowed me to slowly recover. 
Love for myself, and inspite of myself.

Grief and love, v/s Hate and apathy-
It's good to know, after all of these years, I chose wisely.

18 comments:

chickory said...

that was beautiful; and a good lesson on grief, ive never thought about grief and love being linked but its true. really glad you two talked this time.

Bad Bob said...

I have never thought of grief and love being tied either, but it certainly makes sense. You don't grieve over things or people you don't care about. You remind me of someone I have grieved over for a long time.

Sometimes I think I'm too sensitive, and maybe you and I share that same trait.

J Cosmo Newbery said...

Beautifully and sensitively written, Mayden.

/t. said...

i love this blog!

  <3 <3 <3 to lovely mayden

    × × ×

      /t.

Libby said...

cora, apathy is the curse of the modern world, isn't it?

Mayden' s Voyage said...

Chickory-
Thank you...I'm glad we talked too, and the converstaion continues. I didn't think I'd really ever have the chance.

Bob-
I think being sensitive is a gift, and not terribly common; and isn't it better to grieve because it's proof that love existed?
I understand what you mean though when you say some feel we are "too sensitive"...it stems from the idea that if we "felt less", life might be easier to endure. However, we are wired the way we are for a reason- and I think we have to go with that. I agree we share this trait, and I believe it makes us better people.

Cosmo-
I have missed you :) I read your last post and I need to vote...lol-
another contest ♥ Brings back sweet memories :)

/t- and I adore you friend :)
Thank you <3 <3 <3

Libby-
Agreed! Let's not choose to be apathetic about anything! :) (of course, I don't think this is much of an issue for us...not usually anyway :)

foam said...

it must have been such a relief to feel the burden lifted, mayden. and with grief comes healing.
i'm so glad you had this conversation.

Timoteo said...

I am also glad you made the wise choice. Forgiveness is always the right thing. :)

Skunkfeathers said...

You don't surprise me in this, Mayden; not the you I've come to know through reading and sharing across the blogisphere. A better heart isn't to be found.

I have pondered 'the one that got away' many times in the years since (about 27 or so now) I last saw her. A part of me would wish to have such a chance encounter today; another part of me, would rather not. The reasons for not are not limited, but the seminal one is, those days are long gone. And so is all, but the memories.

But I'm glad your healing has found you, my sweet friend. *Hug*

X. Dell said...

I move too often to have run into this scenario, but I can imagine how it might feel.

Percy Bisque Silley said...

My... to me it had not seemed so long...

Semper Fidelis

Percy

dianne said...

This is a beautiful post Mayden dear and I'm pleased that you spoke to your friend, it is not good to harbour bad feelings within, it is not good for you.

I am grieving at the moment and it's true, we only grieve for the people we love or care about ... I have been hurt but I have no room for hate in my heart. xoxoxo ♡

tinkerbell the bipolar faerie said...

There is indeed beauty in broken things. What a poignant post.

Thinking of you.

The Phosgene Kid said...

He's not in a 12 step program is he?

The Phosgene Kid said...

Mystery here, a lot of bees colonies are dying off.

Ruela said...

fantastic!

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Anonymous said...

Beautifully said.