Monday, June 29, 2009

Watching you...

“Watching you walk out of my life does not make me bitter or cynical about love. Rather makes me realize that if I wanted so much to be with the wrong person how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along.”

- Unknown

This spoke to me on many levels when I read it a few days ago. Some relationships end not so much because someone walked out, but because we became distracted, or injured, or simply lost- in the process of survival.

When I consider my kids, almost 14 and 16, and the choices I would make in the following 4 years at their age- it almost makes me breathless. And if I think of my mom, (who did her best, but did NOT do this), taking me by the shoulders and saying "YOU ARE TOO YOUNG!" I am bewildered by what I know my reaction would have been...stubborn and sure of my self..."I'm an Adult!!!"


Even now, at 40, I'm still a tad breathless and bewildered. (understatement) I look back over a list, though short, of relationships/friendships that have ended for whatever reason, and I can't help but ache over what I had hoped for.

I found a card yesterday as I was cleaning out the garage, it was from a blog friend who had sent it back in 2006. He died very unexpectedly a few months later. Suddenly I was overcome with a deep wave of regret and sadness. I had never met him, never spoken to him over the phone, but we loved to write to each other and I cherished his words to me, and he never failed to tell me how thankful he was to have met me- via our blogs.

He was a great deal like the older brother I never had and I honestly miss him. The ending of that relationship, because of death, led me to understand a few things I had not understood before, and in truth, even though he is gone- the relationship is not over. I fully believe he wanted me to find his card again yesterday, which I kept with me in my car for over a year after he died, to give me a little "hug" of sorts. To remind me that love exceeds the boundaries of time and space.

There is power in our written words, especially words we take the time to write on paper with pen or pencil and drop in the mail, or leave on a door step. The hand written letters of my Grandfather and Great Grandfather are worth more to me than any amount of money.

There are also letters I wish now I had not written. Letters penned in haste, or in a moment of passion, which I hope are now burned or buried in a trash pile. Though I do not posses those letters, my mind recalls the foolishness of my bubbling heart, or the brokenness my pen revealed in a puddle of heart ache and tears on paper.

I ache today, from the inside out. A physical issue plagues me at the moment (however, an outpatient surgery should manage it- scheduled for July 10th- keep me in your thoughts) and for some reason I find myself reflecting on love and losses in the past. I look ahead quickly for signs of hope- and I know they are there- but my climb over the next hill just feels a bit steep.

I hope to return soon- and I miss you all. I'm working on a post about a day last week which I spent with a Bee Keeper and about 100,000 bees... and I only got stung once!

Hugs and love- be well- all of you~


K9 said...

well, how appropriate! i finally got to my studio today -im hardly there anymore. anyway i found your card and the DOTD book. thank you so much! i love it and i especially loved getting a card from you. of course you'll be in my prayers and i plan to call you this week. im getting new chicks (again!0 this week so im busy getting the nest ready.

you will always be dear to my heart even though im not your boyfriend anymore. grrherhahahahaha xo

tinkerbell the bipolar faery said...

a lovely post ... thinking of you ... be well.

Josh said...

A beautiful post as always! I hope you are well, Ms. Mayden.

By the way, I loved that quote... I've added it to my blog. Thank you so much for sharing!

Libby said...

great post, cora! and best wishes on your outpatient least you don't have to be admitted for it! be well! [hugs]

NYD said...

Hey, hey Mrs.C. A big part of our lives is made up from the coming and goings of people we encounter. It's natural that some of them, whether for good or bad, leave an impression on us and vice versa.

Hope all goes well on the 10th

It makes me happy to read your posts. Somehow they help keep me from losing my bearings.

Skunkfeathers said...

*Hug* my friend, and only the best of thoughts for July 10 and beyond.

BTW...your gift might just have done me a good deed the other night. An email later ;)

Enemy of the Republic said...

Oh, Cora...blessings and love to you, my dear friend. Amazing how our blog friends are so dear...

Helene said...

As that quote spoke to you, your post speaks to me...

Faith. Faith that there is something more to love, true love, than proximity, Faith that the potential for love is always around us.

I, like you, cherish my friends. Sometimes its what gets you through the day... like that card did for you. Just a little hug to make you feel supported and understood.

I wonder if its really possible to understand a person fully. I wonder if it is possible to be truly happy with any one relationship, of if instead, we are meant to have an assortment of loves and friends in our lives to make us whole. I dont know the answer, but I hope, as I get older, I find out.

My Dad always has a wonderful perspective on things like this. Maybe I will have him read your post. He always asks for you! =]

I will call you when I get back from Spain (the 9th) to wish you luck! If you want to come recover in Philly, let me know! =] I was thinking that we should set up a weekend soon and go visit Xdell in DC (maybe bring the girls??) Do you think you would be well enough to do it in mid Aug? If not perhaps in Sept. We could always skip the kids and open it up as a blogger summit! (lol maybe I should see if X is even interested! hehehehe)

Bad Bob said...

Some people have a gift for words. I, unfortunately have to work at it very hard.
I like reading what you write because it always makes me reflect, even though a lot of the time it becomes a "what if".
Did you find any geometry software?
I would start here:

X. Dell said...

I hope you feel better soon.

I have similar things that remind me of loved ones who have left. Everyone tells me to pitch them in the garbage. I can't. This post succinctly illustrates why.

..................... said...

be well, mayden fair ..
good luck with your surgery ..
do know that i can relate to this post ..
as all of us can on many different levels.

Mayden' s Voyage said...

K9- I am so glad you got your book! I have something else for you (home-made) but I think I'll try to bring it with me later if everything works out. Hugs and I think of you often, even if it seems I'm way out of the circut these days- I will be back soon :)

Thank you Tinklerbell :) I hope you are well~

Josh- It was so good to see you on Thursday, and I am sorry I will miss being with you guys at the beach, but I know you'll have fun no matter what!

Libby, thank you! I'm also glad it's an out patient thing too, I will definitely rest better at home.

NYD- I wish you lived closer~ You always remind me to look around, to take a deep breath (either with your words or with your own actions) and I appreciate the centered-ness I find in you. Thank you :)

Skunk- as usual, you are a highlight to my day :) When I'm recovering, maybe I'll spend the day making angels? :)

Susan, you have to know- when I'm thinking of the friend we lost, my thoughts of you are never far behind. Hugs and special blessings on you too~

Helene~ I'd love to set something up. Juli-Anna is asking to go to New York and I told her I thought we'd make arrangements with you :) Hugs, and I'd love to talk further about "love" (and I'm always thankful for our phone conversations)- love seems more complex the older I get- kind of like everything else as I age!
I really like your dad...I think we need to plan a trip south and hang out with him a little! lol
Hugs and I will talk to you soon :)

Bob- You are a prince, thank you! I will use the link :) Also, if you find yourself in Raleigh/Durham please let me know! I would love to meet you for lunch or dinner if you're in my neck of the woods :)

X- I suppose, (and it's a somewhat painful realization) that love can never be tossed aside, even when it's painful to hold on- it kind of holds on to you. People have told me the best way to get over a past relationship is to move on to another, which I admit I have tried, only to find a string of heartaches (like a pearl necklace). Love is love- new, long lasting, or failed- it means something and changes our life for good or ill. There's nothing else quite like it, is there? Hugs friend- I'm glad I got to see you this year :)

Hugs and thank you. I know you understand...and I value that <3

dianne said...

Good luck with the surgery sweet Mayden, I have just made it here in time to wish you well, I saw your beautiful sunset photo and thought to stop by.

This is a beautiful post and I can relate to it on so many levels.
I like the quote at the start.. things go wrong with marriages and relationships but there is no room for bitterness or cynicism in a beautiful heart like yours and never give up hope of finding true love again. ♡ xoxox

dianne said...

Thinking of you today, hope it all went well and you are feeling better. ♡ xoxo