Currently the sadness in my life deals with connections, and wants vs needs. Some of the connections are faulty and tremendously painful. When you were a child, did anyone ever let you "have as much as you want" of something, like a favorite ice cream, or candy, in the hope that your over indulgent behavior would teach you a lesson? My mom always let us have as much cake and ice cream as we wanted on our birthday. I clearly remember feeling sick on several occasions after having more cake than I needed. Curious how all these years later I would parallel a spiritual pain to a physical one- both having to do with excess, and failing to be mature enough to know when to stop. As an adult I almost never eat cake, I don't even care for it. When am I going to mature along similar lines in the spiritual realm? Why do I go after the emotional equivalent of 10 gallons of super awesome chocolate chunk ice cream and fail to put my spoon down when I've had 12 bites too many? And then why do I weep when the super awesome chocolate chunk ice cream makes me throw up, stains my dress, and makes me gain 10 lbs? It happens every time, and yes- I have done this more than once.
I simply can't get enough of that ice cream, even though it's no good for me. I'm spiritually lactose intolerant. It spikes my blood sugar. I can't just have one dish- I want the whole tub. It makes me feel like a greedy little kid getting her way...until I don't get my way, and then I'm heartbroken. Heartbroken for ever wanting it in the first place, yet craving it still. The smart thing, like a person in recovery, would be to stay clear of the ice cream and cut it out of my life. Admit I am powerless before it and that my life is unmanageable with my freezer full of the stuff. I do admit I have a problem. I also admit I'm not ready to fix it. I realize this also means nothing is going to resolve or mature on my part for a while longer. The wall of sadness between gardens is something I'm going to keep running into.
I wonder if I can paint a mural on it?