Writing for money, or writing for love...

One is a job, the other my vice-

The former I must focus on,

The latter simply spills out of my life.

My little bloggy writing corner,

I wish I could move and live in here-

Within these walls of words and friends,

Resting in laughter and the sharing of tears.

So much has happened in the last 18 months-

Good, bad, trauma, and new beginnings.

Life stuffed me in a blender and went on spin...

Most days my head is swimming.

But alas, very recently, I took a big step,

A step which will change my life's direction-

Unlike me, it was done for self preservation,

And in the end- brings health and protection

I'm on the mend, I promise you-

And no more surgery for a year or more

And I insist to dust off my bloggy world

Thus finding my way to my core!

Spirt, Soul, Body...

This morning I heard someone say, "You are a SPIRIT, with a SOUL, who lives in a BODY."


I often think of myself in the exact reverse...which is to say I  incorrectly view myself as being a Body, with a soul, and a Spirit.    When we change the order and correctly understand we are eternal Spirits FIRST- doesn't that change your outlook on life?     We are all Spirits...each of us created by divine and almost indescribable material.  Our Spirit is eternal...and will endure in joy, love, and pain, or we will endure in misery, despair, and pain.
Pain- in our physical form- can not be avoided.    How we respond to our pain reflects the way we have chosen to feed and nurture our Spirit, as well as the way have fed our bodies and minds.

Watching garbage on television always makes me feel depressed- it has for as long as I can remember.   TV shows where people are screaming at each other over children (Maury..."I'm NOT the baby's daddy!), or programs with over the top violence, are akin to eating fast food 3 days in a row.  It just makes me sick.  
However, a long walk in the woods, or time spent in an art museum, or hours spent reading a good book give me a boost of joy and energy.   Why is it I so often deprive myself of Spirit food- and then wonder why I don't feel good?

I think the Body is the weakest of our 3 components.   It  needs the quickest attention, but it should serve as guide book to the greater parts of ourselves.   Starve the body and it will die slowly.   Feed it a poor diet and the organs will stop working smoothly.   Just as each of our bodies are different (perhaps you can drink orange  juice, but I can not)- so are our Spirit and Soul.   Part of our journey in human form, I think, is to discover what food is best for our particular Spirit.    I know first hand some Spirits need to paint, others need to write, others need to swim, or run, or plant gardens.  Some Spirits need to create music, or sing, or make beautiful things with needles and thread or yarn.  Some Spirits need to be bee keepers :)

Some people fail to recognize they are a Spirit at all.   I have seen those beings, those who do not know what they are and refused to ever look beyond their bodies and their earthly treasures.   I see people everyday who have no idea what they are really made of and cripple the Spirit...but the Spirit endures past the life of the body.   I know for certain this is true.

One evening, while in the ER with a family member, I heard a man moaning in abject misery just beyond the curtain next to us.  He was being attended to, but when the nurse would leave his side (and the hospital was very busy) he would cry out as loud as he could, "Help! Help!", and someone would run back and he would shout about needing pain medicine.    What they couldn't hear after they left was his mutterings, which were "There is no God, no more church...next time only gasoline."  He repeated this over and over.   I knew he was planning his physical death.  He was unkind to every person who tried to help him.  He was rude.  He was selfish.  He was also in a difficult position of living alone and being very sick.   His kidneys were failing, his legs were full of open wounds.   His Spirit was so starved and ignored it seemed to me a darkness had settled over his section of the ER.   His condition was worse than pathetic...it was hellish.   His neglect of himself, both Spiritually and physically had led him to a very dark place.    I actually prayed for a quick passing for him, because to me- he seemed beyond healing of any sort.

I am keenly aware today I am a Spirit first.  I have known this for a long time, but I didn't fully understand it until this morning.   I looked in the mirror and saw beyond my reflection.  For a split second I saw the divine and hard to describe material I am made of.  Even more shocking was to look around me and see the Spirit of each person I encountered.

Today I am feeding my Spirit good stuff.   Hopefully- if you read this and understand what I mean...you are feeding on good stuff too~

Love to each of you ♥

From the Past...but worth repeating~

I wrote this back in 2007...and wow.  So much has changed, yet the landscape hasn't been altered enough for me to not recognize the writer, or remember where I was when I penned (typed?) this.  5 years have passed...the words still ring true~


"What is life? It is the flash of a firefly in the night. It is the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset."
- Crowfoot, (1811-1890)
a Native American warrior of the Blackfoot tribe.

I guess I'm pondering where the time goes...
But Perhaps the REAL question is, where does life go?

Behind us- stretched out forever like the highway in a rearview mirror, and before us...vast and expansive like the ocean or the desert.

If we were outside of time and space, as some think we will be one day, things would look differently to us.
Grief would not have the stonghold it now posesses.

Love would be grander- because, as I think about it, love is the one thing that will endure...will flourish~
I also think that love is planted while we live, and while we reap the benefits of love as we are living- I suspect the greater harvest comes even later.

I'm not sure how to explain this...except to say that at the ripe old age of 37 (stop laughing!)- I planted seeds long ago in the past- that bear a greater crop today than I ever imagined possible.
What if I hadn't taken the time to get to know that person? What if I hadn't apologized? What am I missing out on because I was an ass sometimes?

Life
Love
Friendship~
Pride
selfishness
emptiness~

The planting time is short.
The harvest, good or ill, is lasting. Love endures, and so does emptiness.

The flash of a firefly is beautiful and quick, but can be seen from quite a distance.
And if given a choice- I'd rather lose myself in a sunset than disappear into the dark.

Here's to life...and to love...and friends...and to not being an ass whenever possible.

:)

Beautiful Youth~

You had no idea how perfect you were-
No idea how to hold on to peachful lusciousness.
I see the photos of perfection and I weep-
but only for a moment.

The aging peach is worth something-
Still sweet- still younger than prune juice....
but older than strawberries picked in may-
A fragrant rose yet.

Some I see are no longer flowers- or roses or fruit.
They are the vine itself, or the tree well rooted.
Beautiful, strong, weathered, still perfect,
While others fade out.

And why are some resilient?
Disease and poor tending make a difference.

Wisdom with time is far lovelier still~
and what I long for in these middle years.

None are exempt from time or mother nature-

Yet some are still glorious in advanced age..

And some bitter- in beautiful youth.

I want the best of both.   

"Tomorrow is always fresh with no mistakes in it."
-Lucy Maud Montgomery 


I am ready for tomorrow...

BOOBS: for sex or food?

The brew-haha over the Breast Feeding mom on Time Magazine didn't disgust me, or make me proud, or even surprise me all that much.  My split-second initial reaction was "Why does a 6 yr old have his mouth on that woman's boob, and why is he standing in a preschool chair?   Next, as my eyes drifted to the title "Are You Mom Enough",I felt a tiny urge to slap the 105 lb woman whose posture and look seemed quizzical and defiant.   I myself, being a well endowed woman, could feed an entire nation of small babies with just ONE boob if I thought it would have made a difference*, but sure as hell I'd have cut the kindergartners OFF!   (Otherwise, this leads me to thinking of the awkward conversation I'd have with the Kindergarten teacher about Johnny's feeding schedule and making sure he drinks ALL of his pumped human milk at lunch time,...blech!)

 The loud and mixed public reaction surprised me more than anything.   The above photo was TACKY.  However, just about anything I walk past on the news stand/magazine isle is TACKY.   People have lost their common sense, which of course explains anything about TV programs involving Housewives with more money and mascara than they know what to do with.  This also explains Coco. On a public beach in Miami.  Seriously.

Later when I discovered the little boy in the TIME  photo was only 3 (almost 4, but tall for his age?), I started thinking about the creepy moms who put lipstick and fake eyelashes and press-on nails on their little girls and put them on stage at the tender age of 3.    How would you like to be nursing this precious little face plastered with Maybeline and Cover Girl?   I've never tried to get lipstick off my nipple before.  (Wait, there was that one time, but NO children were involved!)

I breastfed both my kids, and I did it as privately as possible.  To me it was an intimate time of caring for my children in a way that only I could.   In that phase of my life I did think of situations and times when a mothers milk was all a child needed to be nourished, and she did so for as long as nature intended.   Weaning usually happens when a child develops teeth and wants something more solid than milk.   Baby birds learn to fly, baby cows move on to hay and grass, human children move on to cheerios, cheese puffs and mountain dew.

I don't blame a mom and dad for wanting to hold on to their babies for as long as they can...because they indeed grow up SO fast.  I agree with families and Dr.s who think kids are pushed to grow up quickly and are over involved in a myriad of things to keep them busy...mostly because parents are afraid they aren't good enough at parenting to begin with.   The TIME magazine article didn't help much, well, except for their bottom line I'm sure.

We live in an insane time.  I wear more clothing when I take a shower than Coco wears on a public (and non nude) beach.   Kids on Toddlers and Tiaras wear more make up in one photo shoot than I wear all year.   And if I ever figure out what a "Snookie" is and how it got pregnant, then you'll know I've been kidnapped and chained to a tv and forced at gun point to watch damn Yankees ruin their livers.

Breast feeding, like reading a good book, or kissing your favorite someone, is a pastime a person can do anywhere, but not something we should demand the rest of the world to take part in, or insist they watch, or take tacky photos of to sell magazines in the name of "public discourse".    Furthermore, asking the ridiculous question "Are You Mom Enough" is only going to drive flaming arrows and razor blades into the hearts of mothers who desperately wonder every day if what they do is enough, and are they doing it right, and how screwed up will their kids be when they really do make a mess of things.  

As for the lame ass loser moms who don't give a shit and never think twice about rum in the mountain dew to make their 6wk old baby sleep through the night, this article has no effect.   And their boobs, trust me, are only used for making more babies, not feeding them.

Maybe I should write an article for TIME  which exposes the truth about boobs... which are good for both sex, AND food.

 BUT I doubt though anyone would read it :)  It would be full of common sense, and thus boring.  


*breast size has NOTHING to do with the amount of milk a woman can produce.   It was a joke.   But I do  "look" like I could feed a nation of hungry babies

**post edited after re-reading and editing.   Who knows how great a 3rd draft might be!   (my mantra to my kids...always WRITE something 3 times....always.)  

Long Overdue

I can not believe Valentines Day has come and gone...
It is my favorite "holiday", especially with my bloggers, but the day is passed- along with many other days I've missed since the end of December, or even as far back as August when I lost my father in law.
Trying to describe the 7 weeks mom was in the hospital with a few words would be akin to trying to describe the horror of the Civil War in a sentence or 2.    I just can't, aside from telling you it was exhausting, heart wrenching at times, and thankfully- over, at least for now.
After 3 near death experiences and a small army of Dr.s,  mom is out of the hospital and in a lovely assisted living place not far from here.  It was hard to move her away from her apartment, yet the absolute right thing to do.   Her body is much older than that of 62 yr old woman, and yet- that is her age.   I shudder to think of being in her condition or location in less than 20 years, but I don't think that will be my fate.   Hopefully by then I will have tracked down Billy Idol and will be chasing him around with a walker?  lol!