Monday, February 28, 2011

Some molds are meant to be broken~

In the dark and early hours of this morning I had a terrible nightmare.   A dream so real and frightening I awoke soaking wet and in a wicked place of half rage and half panic.   In the dream I was the perpetrator, I was angry, and I was the one causing the anguish.   My daughter, whom I love and treasure more than my own soul, was the victim.   After lashing out at her both verbally and physically, she turned to look me in the eye and I saw that I had killed the most important thing in my life...her love, and it was then the panic set in.

Unfortunately the dream was actually a flash back of a similar encounter I had with my father when I was 16.   While the circumstances were a little different, the outcome was the same.  He destroyed every ounce of love I had for him because of his ego and pride about a sad choice I made.   I can recall the event with clarity, even though it took me a few hours to realize that encounter was the deeply buried source of the nightmare.    I was so angry upon waking that if I'd had a weapon close by I think I would have used it to harm  myself.   I was absolutely horrified by what I had done in my dream.  

Later in the morning I sent my daughter a text and told her how much I loved her.   She thought it was just a moment of  "mom being mom", which is a precious indicator of our relationship.   My expressions of love and gratitude for my kids is something I try to show on a daily basis.    Yes, I lose my temper.  Yes, sometimes I yell at them.  No, I do not throw things, or bring bodily harm to them- ever.    If I wanted to hurt myself from just dreaming about inflicting pain I can't imagine how I could live with myself if I actually did such a thing.  

It's been 25 years since the heartbreaking incident with my father (but obviously there were other problems brewing for a long time).   We've had moments of both healing, and of new destruction.   Presently there is simple acknowledgement of our blood relationship and a striving for peace when we're in the same room.   I think he regrets his actions.   I look at my 15 yr old daughter and could never blame her for the things he blamed me for.   I look at her and I understand the delicate balance beam she walks upon as she transitions from girl to woman.   I treasure her innocence, yet I also embrace and support her as she feels and thinks the things a new woman feels.   I have been her mother, protector, teacher, and mentor, and as she spreads her wings I want her to have confidence that I will always be here for her.    She will make mistakes.  I will help her pick up pieces.   We will disagree on how best to do something, but I will honor her choices in the end.

It's been a weird day.   Things from the past have wiggled up to the surface and brought tears to my eyes more than once.   I honestly thought all of this was behind me, but part of me still throbs with an ache that simply hasn't gone away.   Perhaps it's the realization that for so many years I took full responsibility for what I did at 16 and the anger and grief it caused the people around me, only to have my own daughter (who will be 16 this year) and wonder how anyone could put such a load on her tiny shoulders.   Why would anyone lash out, or blame, or damage someone so important?    I don't know.

 I do know that experience shaped me as a mother.   I do know that some molds (moulds?) should be broken.   I know that if my own sad experiences have made me a better parent for this beautiful girl (and my dear son) - then they were experiences worth having regardless of how painful they were.   I can't go back and change anything in my past, but I can make better choices in my future and theirs...and I definitely have.

Tonight I'm grateful for broken molds and hopeful for a peaceful night of sleep.  

I wish the same for you ♥


Skunkfeathers said...

Sometimes, the 'breaks' cannot be healed, and certainly not after irremedial damage has been done.

Thankfully, that is not your case.

A *hug* for you, and a smile for knowing that Pixie is a very gifted and lucky young lady, to have you as her mother, protector and mentor.

Mayden' s Voyage said...

Hugs to you Mike, and thank you. I'm rather thankful that she's been mine to love ♥

dianne said...

I am so pleased for you that it was just a horrible nightmare, not reality.
Sometimes unpleasant memories that are buried deep in our subconscious come to the surface as dreams or thoughts that unsettle us.
You sound like a wonderful, caring Mom dear Mayden, you have broken the mould and I am pleased that you have can such a great relationship with your children.
I hope you are feeling much better now and I shall send you some 'hugs' also.

xoxoxo ♡

Susan said...

I can relate to this. I often have reoccuring nightmares that deal with a wound I thought was done for. Blessings to you, Cora.

Mayden' s Voyage said...

Thank you Diane for your kind words...mothering is not something I take lightly. It's the best, most challenging, and truly beautiful thing I've ever done. Hugs to you too.

Susan, your words bring me comfort. It feels odd to me after so many years this new layer would emerge. It never occurred to me I'd see the event in a different light based on my relationship with my daughter.
And while the dream was terrifying, it was also liberating (later in the day) to think that I could finally stop blaming myself for the guilt others put on me. I would never do that to my child, and therefore it shouldn't have been done to me. I just never saw it that way before. I took more than my share of the blame. It's time for me to stop. Blessings to you too- and thank you ♥

Bad Bob said...

Life is tough at times for everyone. Some, more than others. You don't have to say it was worth it if it made you a better parent. Some things are not worth the pain we have to endure. They do, however, mold our character. From reading your posts, I would think that you would have been just fine without some of the pain. You do the best you can with what you have to deal with.
I think you turned out pretty well and I am sure your kids will too.

I'm not sure what kind of school your daughter is in, but we don't allow phones to be on during class because according to most of our students, the mom's are the worst texting offenders. Not accusing anyone about anything, just sayin'...<3

Mayden' s Voyage said...

Bob, you are right, not all the pain was necessary. A big dose of love and compassion would have been better medicine than the physical punishment.
As for the texting, I sent it to her after she'd gotten out for the day and was on her way to play practice with friends. Her school is set up so that all text messages are blocked unless the kids are outside.

You are a good administrator for pointing it out though! :) And you are right- we moms are the worst when it comes to texting! :)

X. Dell said...

One of the biggest hurdles for anyone is to find some way to grow up without becoming one's parents.

I can see what you mean in the dream, and I agree with your interpretation (after all, you're the best person to do that). I'm wondering, though, if there's more there.