"You are talented at many things"
-my fortune cookie after dinner tonight
It's been a tough day for me. One of those days when you can't put your finger on exactly what's wrong but your heart and mind are out of sorts. The truth is there are MANY things in my life which are good, and MANY things I wish were better. Things I CAN control, and things I CAN NOT control.
I very clearly remember the first time I ever read the Serenity Prayer~
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
It was on a book-mark, or a coffee mug at a truck stop/gas station we pulled into on our way to Indiana. I was probably 12 years old. My dad was taking us to visit our Grandmother and I was so excited about the quote (I've always loved good quotes) I rushed over to share it with him. His reply was, "That is stupid. I can't stand that prayer, it's so depressing."
So much for the father-daughter Hallmark moment, huh?
Anyway, his reaction confused me. I couldn't fathom how he found the quote depressing and not profound. At the time I wasn't aware of the drinking problems which plagued his family, nor was I aware this prayer is one often used by alcoholics...I just thought it was a great "life statement". It wouldn't be the first or the last time my father and I failed to see eye to eye on something.
To this day, as much as I love the quote, I never read it without recalling dad's reaction to it. His disapproval lingers over the memory like a faint shadow, and truth be told, his disapproval about some things in my life lingers over me in more ways than I'd like to admit. It is time to let this stuff go. It is time for me to look at me with my own 2 eyes, and not through the eyes of my parents, or family members, or people in the church...or anyone.
I need and want to be me, and further more, I want to LIKE that person.
The sad truth of today is I didn't like the person I saw in the mirror this morning. I can change that. The mistakes of my past, bad choices, desperate responses, ugly words, judgements, and assaults against me- those are things I can not change. Knowing the difference between the two IS wisdom. Acceptance of BOTH things is divine.
The sun has now set in my part of the world. The day is closing as I sit in my office upstairs with mug of Jasmine tea and my thoughts. Despite the poor reflection I saw this morning when I awoke, the world went out of it's way to speak life to me today, via a preacher, a speaker, and a cookie.
I didn't wake up with Serenity this morning...but she found me before the sun set, and I am grateful.
Peace to all of you~