Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Thunder- and Sunsets

Aren't we both at times?

I would give almost anyting to be paid to do this kind of work-
being in the right place at the right time~
but it's a gift...not really a talent.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Be with me...

Breathe deep- It's good to be alive. Very good.
The cool fingertips of Autumn reach out for me...
A few leaves swirl to the ground- yet the heavy resplendent green of summer hangs on.

I love this time of year, especially when I see it through my mother's eyes, blurry at times, but she takes nothing for granted. Little kindnesses I might overlook, or say "thank you" with half a heart- but not her. She notices a person's attitude and thanks them for simply being cheerful.

I made a special gift for my brother, an photo album just for him, one he can take with him when he moves to his group home. My mom wept when I showed it to her. She cried over every page and photo, every sticker, every detail...I knew she would love it, but I didn't expect her to cry. She wept silent tears that spoke more loudly than a parade of gratitude.

I can not remember the last time I wept with thankfulness. I think I'm overdue.

It seems lately the ache of too many things has crept in like a suffocating blanket. Pain has a way of making us forget to breathe, but "numbered" days remind some that each breath is special, important- and limited. Certainly we take for granted those things which seem promised to us in each tomorrow...and yet there are no such promises. This moment, whether it's full of pain and confusion, or joy and clairity, is the moment we can claim. Fortunately these moments do add up in the treasure pile of our heart, or sadly, in the trash bin. I hope for you, and for me, the treasure pile is higher than the trash pile when we come to the end of each day, but some days I know that's not the case.

I have no good reason to complain about anything. My home, my family, my freinds, my health, all are in-tact, but my spirit is wandering. It looks for music it's never heard, longs for a wine it's never tasted, yearns for a love I've never experienced, grieves over something/someone I have not met.

Tonight as I walk in the moonlight and listen to the crickets sing me a wild tune with no words- come and be with me. Tether your heart to mine- forget the things that keep us apart like time, space and distance... and just be.

Be with me.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Just you, Just me-

At the end of the day-
It's just you.
No matter the illusions held...
Of family, lover, friends, and perhaps Angels-
It's just you.

Kids sleeping in their beds.
Spouse snoring on his side as a migrane of 5 days eases- at last...
Alone in your office, on the computer or with a journal-
And you realize-
It's just you.

You only have you- where ever you go.
"Tis nothing more sacred than the santicity of one's own mind"-
Indeed- Tis true.
Because in the sum total of our thoughts and moments-
All you have is you.

The love and relationships we have are real.
They fortify us in times of need, soothe us in times of loss-
But in the still small part of the silent night,
Our heart beats...each breath repeats-
Things and people fall away-
All I have is me.

Do I love me?
Can I look at this mid-worn body and find comfort in it?
Upon close inspection of my wandering heart... will I be shocked?
Like a smoker seeing an image of his tar filled lungs-
Will this pumping vessel of love show signs of mis-use and dis-repair?
I think so.
But it's My broken heart...the only heart I have.

Held by duty and responsibility-
Anchored by a love that can not be expressed with words-
but only seen in the eyes of my children,
I ponder what it all means...in the still small dark of the silent night-
That all I have is me, and that all you have is you-

And yet, somehow, we are all in this together.

Friday, September 05, 2008

Life and death...choices and regrets, part I of II

Between being at the hospital all day with my mom on Tuesday (she had her dialysis port implanted), and preparing for a storm this weekend- my minutes have not been my own this week-

I''m sorry I left you all hanging!

While my arm is much better I think there might be some nerve endings in need of further recovery- it remains tender, but fully functional. I'm cool as long as I don't bump the elbow, or lean on it. I will go see an ortho Dr. if it's not completely better by next week.
(and honestly, what a metaphore for my life at the moment!!! WOW!)

The thoughts swirling around in my head are like long strands of pasta in a tangled sticky mess. One thought slips into another, loops around, intersects with yet another idea, and this makes it hard for me to pull out one thought- one fact- or one point I feel I need to make. (and not necessarily a point I need to make for you- dear readers- but mostly for my own sake!)

Olive oil is what I usually drizzle on my spaghetti to get the kinks out, and I suppose writing is the equivalent of what's needed here? Let's hope so :)

My mom said something on Tuesday that shook me, and it wasn't "what" she said, as much as it was the "way" she said it. She made an off-hand comment to a nurse who was caring for her with such a tone of finality and regret that I almost wept.
"I always wanted to live at the beach~"
I know it doesn't sound like much, but knowing my mom as I do, I know this was a dream she's always had. I know now she also thinks she will die in this city. My heart ached for her, but the ache quickly turned into an alarm for myself. I wondered if one day I would have similar resignations and regret?

I've yet to cross very many significant points in my life where I know there is "no going back."

The biggest thing I've done which can not be undone was having my tubes tied. I knew after my daughter was born I had brought all the life into the world I could handle. That's not to say I've never had moments of regret about not being able to have another baby...but I knew it was the right choice for me. I marvel at friends in their mid 30's to early 40's who are just now beginning their families, while I'm sending mine to high shcool and talking about colleges.

However, this place...THIS CITY I live in- is the city I've lived in for as long as I can remember. It's not a bad place, but it's NOT the town I want to die in. For years I have wanted to live elsewhere, but because of the community, and the kids schools, work, and church, I've found reasons to stay put. As my ties here lessen (unless I decide to run for a public office), my reasons for being here become fewer and fewer. If I decide at some point I want to live at the beach, I promise you- I will move to the beach! (or as close to it as I can afford :)
I'm even entertaining the idea of renting a place for a year and taking mom there (as long as we have a dialysis center- we're good!) so she can "live" at the beach, if only for a little while.
We'll see-

There are more noodles to unthread- but for now I'll stop and post.

I hope to have a laid back blogger weekend where I'll get to each of your pages and leave pithy comments- and I'll try to do it before I mix up the Mojitos...or not! lol~

Have a safe weekend if you are in the path of a hurricane or tropical storm- and I look forward to reading all of you soon :)

***K9- thank you for your last comment. My sister was fussing at me yesterday for not continuing to be on the PTA- and for not trying to upstage the local Mayor! LOL :)
My next post will cover some hot topics, but hopefuly with all the grace and care I can muster.
Hugs friend :)